


Feelings are Fatal

by Milli



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Dorian Pavus, Dorian Pavus Has Issues, Dorian Pavus Has Self-Esteem Issues, Drinking to Cope, F/F, F/M, Halward Pavus' A+ Parenting, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:28:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23859823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milli/pseuds/Milli
Summary: Not gonna lie, working through some of my own stuff since I can't do therapy right now. Dammit Lockdown.Dorian is persuaded to go to group therapy. It's not pretty and he doesn't want to be there after some bad experiences with mental health services in Tevinter. Along the way he makes friends both in and out of Group and even falls in love.The non-con is implied/non graphic but its there. The romance is very slow burn.
Relationships: Cassandra Pentaghast/Cullen Rutherford, Cremisius "Krem" Aclassi/Maryden Halewell, Dagna/Sera (Dragon Age), Dalish/Skinner, Female Lavellan/Josephine Montilyet, Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus
Comments: 19
Kudos: 54
Collections: Actually Adoribull Fic





	1. Chapter 1

Dorian hovered in the waiting room doing his best to disguise his nerves. He still couldn't believe he was doing this. Josephine had been very kind, making it clear that it wasn't a legal necessity that he be in therapy. His psych assessment had cleared him to be given his magic license, officially low risk for becoming an abomination. Still she had gently suggested he take advantage of the help available to him now that he'd been granted leave to stay in Skyhold indefinitely. It had been necessary to go into more detail than he had wanted about exactly why he'd had to flee Tevinter and now people kept mentioned trauma. It had seemed churlish to refuse without offering an explanation. 

Besides Ella had thought it a good idea. Apparently she'd done some one to one work a while back and still went to a support group on occassion. As did a lot of her friends - though she wouldn't say who. Confidentiality and all that. Her reassurances did help, somewhat. 

"You can do this Pavus. Just one session a week for a couple of months and then everyone will forget about it."

The truth was, he would rather do almost anything than go to any kind of therapy. Especially group therapy. If it wasn't for the fact that the tiny handful of possible friends were in favour and he wasn't sure enough of their regard for him to want to risk alienating them he'd leave right now. He had promised to give it a try however so for now his plan was to say as little as possible beyond convincing everyone that he wasn't traumatised. 

His musing's were cut short when Solas stepped into the waiting room. He'd met the man three times now for his assessment. It had been a very different experience to his previous interactions with mental health service back in Tevinter. Which wasn't to say he had found it enjoyable or that he trusted Solas at all. He rather got the impression the therapist didn't much like him but then he had yet to meet a therapist he didn't hate right back in turn. 

"Dorian. If you'd like to follow me? I'll show you the room. Next week you can come right on through with the others."

He really didn't want to follow. Now that it was time his nerves were definitely getting the better of him. Thankfully growing up within the upper echelons of Tevinter society had taught him to hide any and all emotions behind a facade of aloof confidence. Mask firmly in place he let Solas lead him through two sets of doors and down a corridor before stepping behind him into a room.

A circle of padded chairs was already mostly taken up by people, only three seats remaining. Solas waved him forwards before taking a seat himself. 

"Take a seat and we can get started. We'll begin with a round of introductions and then cover the ground rules. Everyone, this is Dorian and we're hoping he will be joining us so please try and be welcoming."

A thin blonde boy sat to his right gave him a shy smile. To his left was an empty chair then a dark haired elven girl who introduced herself as Merril. She was incredibly cheerful and he would have wondered why she was here if not for the faint scars visible on her arms. Next to Merril was a red head who fixed him with the kind of disconcerting gaze that left him feeling rather more seen than was comfortable. 

"Hello Dorian. I'm Leliana, one of the therapists who works here. I help facilitate this group along with Solas."

The fair haired man sat by Leliana was staring into space and had to be prompted to speak. He gave his name as Anders, mentioning something about cats and then seeming to retreat within himself again. Then it was Solas. Then a darker haired young man who had been staring at him this whole time. 

"Krem."

Dorian was surprised to hear another Tevinter accent. Soporati if he had to guess and none to pleased to have him here. Great. The man offered nothing beyond his name by way of introduction. Then it was the thin boy sat by him. Cole. Friendly in an odd way. 

Then it was Dorian's turn. 

"Er. Yes. Well. I'm Dorian as you are probably bored of hearing already. Nice to meet you all."

Despite his sweaty palms he's pretty sure he didn't come across too badly. Just to be sure he throws in one of his most charming smiles. Though the effect is rather ruined by someone stumbling through the door. A familiar if somewhat breathless voice calls out an apology before stopping and staring in horror. 

"Dorian?"

"Cullen!"

There's an awkward silence before Solas coughs slightly drawing everyone's attention. 

"Sit down Cullen. We're just about to go through the group guidelines. Which do include trying to be on time or letting us know if you can't be."

The rest of the guidelines seem straight forward enough - what's said in group stays in group, if you know someone outside the group don't out them as a member and don't discuss things from when you aren't in group, respect each other etc etc. He can't really concentrate however, too busy trying to deal with the fact that he's in therapy with one of Ella's closest friends. A man he thinks might be on the verge of becoming a friend and someone he had a bit of a crush on when Ella first introduced them. 

Cullen seems shaken too and once they have finished discussing rules he hesitantly raises the fact they know each other. 

"Its not that I don't want you here Dorian. I'm glad you're getting help. It's just a bit of a surprise and I suppose I'm worried I'll find it harder to open up."

Leliana nods. "Thank you for saying that Cullen. I know you've found speaking in group difficult and I don't think any of us want your progress to stall. If you do struggle it's not a set back. It's an opportunity and one you are clearly ready to take."

So they spend the rest of the session discussing fears around trust being broken and feeling ashamed or embarrassed about acquaintances knowing private things. Dorian try's not to let the word acquaintance sting and keeps silent other than to promise he won't tell anyone anything. When Solas asks him if he has any concerns he just shrugs. 

The session is over faster than he expected so he finds himself scrambling into his coat and feeling a little overwhelmed by everything when Cullen coughs nervously. 

"I... I can give you a lift if you want? I was going to head to Ella's anyway. You're still staying with her right?"

"Oh. Well. Thank you. We can say we were playing chess if you like?"

"Good thinking. Yeah. We can say that, if anyone asks."

Everyone says goodbye to everyone, though Krem pointedly ignores him and then they all head for the door. Dorian finds himself waiting by Cullen's rather beaten up old car whilst the man searched around all his pockets and his backpack looking for the keys. Which is when he spotted a qunari leaning against a van in the car park. Needlessly shirtless - it's really not warm enough for the thin t-shirt stretched impossibly tight across a very broad chest - and very pleasant to look at. If you were into your men big enough to throw you around and slightly rough around the edges. Which Dorian unfortunately was. Unfortunate because the qunari caught him looking and winked before enthusiastically greeting Krem, who clearly hated him. So. No point even thinking about going there. Whilst he would need to check the handouts with all the guidelines on it he suspected sleeping with a close friend of a group member who would rather you didn't exist was a bad idea even if it wasn't explicitly banned.

The next few weeks passed without anything too dreadful happening. There were a few awkward moments in group when Cullen clearly wanted to speak but Dorian's presence prevented him. Dorian felt bad about that but since even Cullen didn't seem to blame him for it he tried not to let it bother him too much. If he intended to share anything himself then he might have felt similarly discomfited but since he didn't and thus far no one was trying to force him to there was no issue on his side. 

Outside of group his life carried on much as it had been except now he was able to look for work and apply for the further study he wanted to do. Ideally he wanted to continue his endeavors into magical research but given he lacked any of the contacts he had access to back home for now he would settle for something that paid the bills and hope one of the circles here in Ferelden was interested in his research proposal so he could continue his education as planned. 

Otherwise he hung out with Ella and Josephine or Cullen. Now that Josie wasn't helping him fill in forms and prepare for interviews in her official role she was far more relaxed around him. No conflict of interest he supposed - now he was just her girlfriend's friend rather than work. When he wasn't with them,job hunting or video calling Mae and Felix he hung out at Varric's bar, pranking annoying customers with Sera or trading gossip about Mae. Or keeping his eye out for interested parties. Not that he had much trouble in the way of finding someone as long as it was only for a night or two. He certainly wouldn't object to something longer term but hopefully there would be time for that now he knew he was staying.

And of course he drank. Not as much as he had in his late teens and early twenties and rarely to excess. Still. He was drinking every night, often alone and he knew that was something he should be mindful of. Especially if his bid to convince everyone he was actually very well adjusted and trauma free was to be successful. Truthfully, even though he could breath a little easier now that his status within Ferelden was secure he almost missed the anxiety. It had detracted from the aching loneliness he felt. A few pints of Ferelden ale or the occasional upsettingly cheap bottle of red before bed helped. A little. Since his nights were frequently haunted by nightmares anyway he would rather have the drink to blame his bad nights on. Otherwise he might have to admit that he was a necromancer who was afraid of the dark and that was just too ludicrous an idea. 

It was about six weeks into therapy that things took a turn. He'd had a tough week - being allowed to work and actually finding someone willing to hire him weren't remotely the same thing. Two of the three circles he had applied to had turned him down, with the third yet to reply at all. Leliana and Solas had started trying to actively get him to open up, no longer happy to accept his somewhat sullen silences and one word answers. 

Perhaps going out drinking the night before therapy hadn't been the best idea. Certainly tackling the session hungover was unlikely to improve matters. Worse, he woke up bruised and somewhat worse for wear in a strangers bed. A man called Sethis. He vaguely recalled they had bonded over both being from Tevinter. Sethis was older and somewhat on the arrogant side though he had the presence to back it up. In the cold light of day Dorian was taken aback by his choices. He hadn't stayed the night since Rilienus. He wasn't sure why he had done so this time. Then again his memory of the entire night was somewhat hazy at best.

So he wasn't quite his usual put together self when he walked into the room and everyone picked up on it. Merril's smile faltered slightly. Cullen and Cole looked actively concerned. Krem for some reason was glaring at him with way more intensity than usual. Even Anders was giving him a worried look and the man rarely seemed present unless he was angry about something. 

Solas started things off by asking them each to talk a little about how they were and if they had anything to bring in this week. It was the same at every session and Dorian had planned on giving his usual bright smile and assertion that he was fine. Only this time he was challenged on it, first by Leliana then his fellow group members. 

"I just want to say that i understand if you don't want to talk about it but I would like you to acknowledge that something is different this week. Cullen in particular has expressed concern. Are you able to hear that?"

"I don't know what to tell you. I'm fine. Just a bit hungover."

"Hmm. Do you drink heavily a lot Dorian?"

"No!"

"Yes."

Dorian glared at Cullen. How dare he! He hadn't even seen Dorian drunk more than a handful of times and no one knew of his nightly indulgences.

"I'm not worried. I don't waste my concern on the kind of person who hangs out with Sethis."

It was the first time Krem had spoken directly to him and it more than startled him. How had Krem even known he went home with Sethis? 

"I only met him last night so we're not exactly close friends. How did you know that anyway?"

There was a pause before Cullen gently answered. 

"Krem's band played at Varric's last night Dorian. Don't you remember that?"

He didn't. At all. Truth be told he didn't recall much at all beyond arriving and letting the charming older Tevinter gent buy him a drink. Which was odd, certainly. Not unheard of though it had been years since he'd drunk enough to black out an entire night. 

"I don't actually. Sorry. I guess I drank more than I thought."

He glanced at Krem trying to figure out if it was worth apologising for whatever he'd done last night to upset the man so. The strange, stricken look on Krem's face stopped him in his tracks. Neither of them spoke and after a sharing a look with his fellow therapist Solas stepped in.

"Is it fair to say that last night you got very drunk and went home with someone you had just met?"

"Just what are you insinuating by that? Fine. I drink sometimes. I have the odd one night stand. That's nothing to be ashamed of and I am not here to be judged..."

"Did you hear judgement in my statement Dorian? I was merely trying to state the facts as I saw them. Here we are only interested in what your behaviour means for you. Are you safe? Is it beneficial for you? Only by understanding why you do what you do can we determine if it's working for you."

"Hmm. Whatever you say."

He glowered at the floor, angry with everyone and beneath that fighting the beginnings of a panic attack. He could feel his palms sweating, heart racing, fingers trembling. 

"Dorian, can you understand that seeing someone walk into therapy with bruises on his wrists and cheek, hungover and missing memories might be cause for concern? We're not trying to judge you - we're just worried."

"Well I didn't ask you to worry Leliana. I don't want you to. In fact i would prefer if my sex life stayed off the table. It's none of your business and I won't have you prying."

"You keep coming back to that part of it. I wonder why that is? We've raised your drinking as well."

"Fine. I won't turn up hungover again. Happy?"

"I can see you aren't ready to go into this now. So I suggest we back off and give Dorian some breathing room. I just want you to know Dorian that we've seen you today. We won't let obvious harm to you be ignored. So when you do wish to open up know that we'll listen."

If he was calm enough to think Dorian knew he would see the sense and care in Leliana's words. He wasn't calm however and for reasons he didn't fully understand her words only unsettled him more. He could feel the panic rising. Dorian wasn't a fool, he knew he used anger to hide other emotions but in this instance he was grateful for it. Giving in to his temper might not be the best way of dealing with things but it was significantly better than having a full blown panic attack in front of everyone. 

Which is how Dorian found himself storming out of the session. He wasn't entirely sure how he ended up shivering opposite Varric's bar. He hadn't really had a planned destination in mind. Fuck the therapists. And fuck Cullen too. A drink was just what he needed. 

He wasn't expecting Sethis to be there. The slightly predatory grin the man gave him spelled danger. Approaching him was definitely a bad idea. Dorian was in a dangerous mood though so approach him he did. At least Sethis seemed unambiguously pleased to see him. A few drinks later saw him stumbling back out with Sethis, seething with Varric who had cut him off and tried to persuade him to wait for Sera whilst he sobered up. 

They ran into that huge qunari, the one who was friends with Krem. 

"Hey big guy! Nice to see you again."

Sethis gripped his arm tightly and pulled him past the giant before Dorian could formulate a response that wasn't along the lines of "when did we meet the first time?"  
The qunari frowned, probably at their bad manners but they were around the corner and away so Dorian tried to push him from his mind and focus on his current companion. 

Focus was proving surprisingly difficult and Dorian was sure he hadn't drunk anywhere near enough to be this out of it. A cold shivery feeling crept up his spine. Something tinted with fear. 

"I er... I think I should go home."

"Yes. Come home. With me."

"No. No I don't want..."

He tripped over his own feet, graceless in a way he never was as the world spun round him. 

"I don't feel well."

"Let me look after you" Sethis purred. 

A hand reached out and caught him by the shoulder, steadying him. At first he assumed it was Sethis. The hand was much bigger and greyer than his fellow Vints however. 

"Easy there. I think we should get you back to Varric's. Get some water in you. What do you say?"

"I think this is none of your business. Unhand him you savage!"

"Do you want to go with this man?"

"No."

Whatever reckless mood had had hold of him had vanished now. He was pretty sure Sethis had done something to his drink. It was hardly the first time he'd been drugged and in his experience people who drugged you did not have your best interests in mind. 

"Cool. We're going to the bar then and you can fuck off you vile creep."

Sethis looked furious but he didn't argue much to Dorian's relief. The qunari - The Iron Bull apparently - was kind enough to let Dorian lean on him as he guided him back to Varric's. 

"I hope you don't mind me butting in like that. It's just you weren't looking too steady and well... I've had a run in with Sethis before. Tried to spike one of my boys drinks."

"It's fine."

It wasn't fine. Dorian felt awful. The world was still spinning and his stomach was turning decidedly queasy. More than that though he was horribly embarrassed. Dorian had never been someone who found it easy to accept help. No doubt because it had so rarely been offered to him without ulterior motives. Even accepting Mae and Felix's assistance in getting him out of Tevinter had been hard. Now a perfect stranger was seeing him in the kind of state that should never be show in public. Besides which he felt so incredibly stupid. 

He'd sworn that no one would ever slip something into his drink - or his food - ever again after his father's most recent attempt to have him toe the line. Yet here he was. Letting his guard down just because he was in another country and supposedly safe. 

The Iron Bull sat him at the bar where Varric already had a glass of tepid water waiting for them. 

"Thanks Tiny. Now I know about Sethis I've added him to the barred list."

The two fussed over him as much as he would allow them for the next ten minutes. Then Sera arrived and they both quietly retreated. Perhaps sensing he would rather not have a crowd of people bothering him just now, more likely grateful to have someone to pass him off too. As soon as he was confident his legs would hold him he planned on going home and drowning his sorrows where no one could see and judge him for it. Or sleeping until everyone had forgotten his shameful display. 

Sera had other ideas though. In the end he managed to convince her that going out with her and Dagna wasn't on the cards. He was glad for her company however. Sera was often a baffling person but she was entertaining and good fun. Also inventive. If she enacted even one of her revenge plans Sethis would surely regret the day he crossed paths with Dorian. 

The next session was tough. He'd successfully avoided Cullen all week, though that had meant seeing less of Ella too as the two were close friends. He almost didn't go but at the very least he should apologise for walking out the way he had. 

No one seemed angry with him, which was unexpected. In fact even Krem seemed relieved to see him. 

"I'm sorry. Sethis tried to date rape a friend of mine and well... I shouldn't have assumed you were a friend of his. If I'd realised I would have warned you what he was like."

"Not your fault and no harm done."

"You aren't very comfortable with the idea that harm may have been done to you are you Dorian?"

Damn Leliana and her astute observations. 

"Well I... I have lived a very privileged life. Nothing truly awful has ever happened to me. Honestly I don't know why I'm here. I'm hardly one of life's victims."

"Yet you were referred to us because you left a situation that was dangerous to you. Parting from your family and leaving your home country under such circumstances isn't easy."

He shrugged. 

"I'm safe now though."

Solas hummed thoughtfully.

"I don't think you've told us very much about why you left. Leliana and myself have seen the brief account given with your referral paperwork but none of the others know anything of your story at all. How would you feel about telling us a little?" 

"What happens if I refuse?"

The elf shrugs. 

"You miss an opportunity to let us know you. That's all. What are you worried will happen?"

"I don't know. I'm not worried."

He was worried and he had the awful feeling everyone knew it. He could feel his hair starting to curl where it had dampened with sweat. 

"Your place within the group is safe Dorian. We hope you will decide to share with us because the help we can give you is limited otherwise. But you have a place here. We're not going to kick you out."

"That's true! When I had a relapse with the er Lyrium, I was awful and they still let me stay."

"I'm not worried about being kicked out! I just... If you decide I am not co-operating then I want to know what happens. Can I just leave if I want?"

"I can hear you say you're worried we might force you to stay in therapy. Or perhaps even lock you up? Is that something you've had happen?"

"Isn't that covered in your referral notes?"

He knows his voice is harsh with anger, the ever present anxiety feeding it. 

"No. Its not. And we're more interested in what you have to tell us than what others have written down about you."

"I... Yes. My parents sent me to a place called the Order of Argent when I was sixteen. It's an inpatient facility."

Krem swore. 

"Kaffas! I've heard horror stories about that place. Did they... Was it conversion therapy?"

Dorian nodded, briskly, refusing eye contact. He didn't need to see Krem's face to feel the sympathy coming off him in waves. Were they bonding now? Is that what was happening?

"Tevinter can be very unwelcoming for queer people can't it?"

He doesn't look at Leliana either, just nods once more whilst hoping no one can see the tears he is blinking away.

"Is that why you left Dorian? Because you didn't feel welcome at home?"

"I don't care if people want me around or not. My political views weren't popular either."

"I think you do care. Everyone wants to be wanted."

He shrugs, wordless once more.

"OK. Well I think you've done very well today. It's a good start."

They move on to bothering someone else - Merril who has a fresh scar to talk about - and Dorian tries to pay attention but its hard. He feels floaty. Strange. Out of sorts. He's still in a daze when the session ends, following Cullen out on autopilot.

"You OK?"

"Hmm."

"Want to come to Ella's or shall I drop you home?"

"I... Home. Please."

He doesn't stay home. He finds a new and unfamiliar bar. This time he sips carefully at a nice glass of red wine, not letting it leave his hand or his sight. He doesn't need to be drunk to go home with a stranger after all and after Sethis he's keeping his public drinking to a minimum. Barris seems nice and treats him kindly, almost seeming disappointed when he declines an invitation to stay the night. He's sweet and absolutely gorgeous, everything Dorian has told himself he wanted for years. Yet he still goes home feeling empty and wrong somehow. Unfulfilled by the sex and even the copious amount of ale he downs before crawling into his bed isn't enough to drown out the nightmares when he finally falls asleep. 

The next day he does something he never thought he would ever do. He phones his therapy place and asks for a call back. Its something the therapists have been clear they offer and the others have spoken about doing it when they've had a bad week. It's different for him though. He knows things are different in Ferelden. It's why he came here after all. Still the old fears plague him. In Tevinter his only experiences of therapy had been of people trying to change him and using rather brutal means to do so. 

He secretly hopes for Leliana but its Solas who phones him back. 

"Dorian. I'm happy you called. What can I do for you?"

"I... It wasn't just the order. M-my father tried to use blood magic on me. To make me... acceptable."

"Oh. Dorian. You ARE acceptable. I'm sorry that happened to you. Do you think now you've told me you might be able to bring this to the group?"

"I can try."

Solas talked him through some practical ways to manage his panic attacks and offered a few suggestions to help him sleep. It was weird and he wasn't exactly happy to have phoned. Still he felt a little lighter. Solas hadn't reacted badly and some of these tips might even prove useful.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter this time. Not been feeling well. Hopefully the next one will be a little longer again!

Dorian had hoped it would be easier now that he had taken the step of voluntarily confiding something. In the nearly two months of therapy he had resisted any attempts to draw him out but after the last two weeks that had changed. He'd finally admitted that some part of him didn't trust this process, afraid it would end up going the way it had in Tevinter only to find that his therapists here were nothing like the ones he had known back home. 

Even his group mates hadn't responded negatively to anything he had said. Or at least they hadn't responded negatively to him. They'd been shocked and horrified to find out he had been sent to the Order of Argent. Solas had been quietly encouraging since their phone call - and the breathing and grounding exercises he had suggested did help. A little. 

So why two weeks later could he still not actually bring up his father? 

No one was pushing him, there weren't prying questions. Just the occasional reminder that there was space for him to talk if he wanted to take it up. To his great surprise he did. He just wasn't sure how. When the time came his voice seemed to vanish, his ability to form words abandoning him and whilst he floundered the group quietly moved on. 

Krem had a letter from his father, who sounded like a kind man. Just one who was trapped the other side of the border. So they spent a good chunk of time talking through how it felt to be separated and Leliana offered to hunt out some resources that might speed up reuniting the pair. Then Anders and Cullen fell out, both getting quite loud in their disagreement about some obscure point of Chantry law that escaped him. Until Anders suddenly burst into tears taking everyone by surprise. The two were only just starting to mend that rift. 

Between not wanting to take the spotlight away from people who clearly needed the help more than he did, the frustration he felt with himself and a growing sense of resentment towards Solas Dorian was well and truly stuck. Solas was the one who had told him to bring his father up in group but now here he was, doing absolutely nothing to help him do that. Was Solas angry with him for keeping quiet? Disappointed? Was Dorian's initial instinct that the man didn't like him the truth? Whatever the case Dorian could feel something building within him, on the verge of exploding out of him. 

The one thing that had changed - even with Anders and Cullen falling out - was that everyone was friendlier at the start and end of group. Even Krem seemed to be warming him though he remained a touch wary and standoffish. 

"So. Er. My band's playing again next week. You remember? The Chargers?"

Dorian didn't remember though he had since been filled in on some of what he'd missed That Night - as he had taken to calling it - by Varric and Sera. He nods anyway and Krem continues.

"You should come. Bull's been wondering how you are and obviously I can't tell him anything. Because its the rules and like, he doesn't know you do therapy with me."

Bull had been worrying about him? That was a whole lot of something he wasn't ready to think about. The qunari had been so kind to him but they'd not bumped into each other since. Long enough had passed now that his gratitude and embarrassment had mingled into something unpleasant, something that meant he wasn't sure he actually wanted to see him again. As if he sensed Dorian's hesitation Krem smiled encouragingly and waved his hand around to indicate the rest of the group, all busy shrugging into coats and grabbing bags.

"Pretty much everyone comes when we're playing at Varric's. And you drink there anyway. So you know... It would just be good to show your face I think."

He made a non committal noise and left, following Cullen out for his usual lift. Disaster nights aside going to Ella's with Cullen after therapy had become something of a habit. Though he wasn't always in the mood for company it seemed to relax Cullen. He really thought they were actual friends now. Not that he'd ask. If Cullen called him an acquaintance again it would really hurt now. 

"I think you should come too. Ella and Josie will be there. I'll be there and er..."

Cullen mumbled something. 

"Sorry?"

"Cass will be there."

Cullen was blushing. It was the most adorable thing he had ever seen. Wait. Cass? That rang a bell. Cassandra! Another of Ella's friends. She wasn't his biggest fan but he was quietly confident that Cass and Cullen were into each other. They might even get together if either of them could figure out how to talk about anything non work related. 

"Well then. You'll need a decent wingman."

"Dorian!"

Cullen grinned though. 

It was nice, having friends. Made him miss Felix and Mae horribly of course but still. Perhaps when he had finally secured steady employment he could find somewhere larger than the one room studio apartment he currently called home and invite them both to visit. In the meantime despite his worries over seeing Bull again it was a pleasant change to have a social outing to look forward to. 

The Charger's gig was the night before therapy. Thus far Dorian had stuck to his promise not to turn up to group hungover. Given that he usually managed any social anxieties via being too drunk to care about them this did pose something of a problem. He allowed himself a glass of a half way decent vintage as he dressed and applied his make-up. If he limited himself to only a couple of pints whilst out that shouldn't be too much. Just enough to steady his nerves and get a decent buzz going. 

If he took extra care when applying his eyeliner and chose a flatteringly tight shirt to wear that had nothing to do with Bull's presence. There were bound to be lots of attractive prospects there and he hadn't slept with anyone since Barris. Not that he was looking to pull necessarily, it wasn't as if his last dalliances had given him what he wanted. Still it was nice to be admired and despite recent events sex was usually a guaranteed way to lift his mood. If if thoughts drifted to the qunari once more well, it was about time Bull got to see him at his best. It hurt something inside him to know that someone he might bump into with any regularity had only see him in such a dishevelled state. 

In the end the night was a good one. Or at least it should have been. Ella had squealed and thrown herself at him the second he walked through the door and within minutes he was surrounded by people who seemed actively pleased to see him. Josie broke out of her conversation with Cassandra to hug him gently. Sera and Dagna bounded over to shout something he couldn't quite make out but seemed to have them grinning with shared enthusiasm. Cullen, who had been standing close by looking flustered appeared actually relieved by his presence and soon stole him and Ella away to the bar. 

The early part of the night was taken up with increasingly elaborate schemes to get Cullen and Cassandra alone together, dancing to The Charger's - surprisingly good - and even smirking good natured at Krem when he saw the man cuddling up to the support act, a pretty girl called Maryden. At one point he thought he saw Merril swirling around the dance floor with a dark haired woman wearing very little and he definitely spotted Anders arguing heatedly with a white haired elf whilst a bearded man seemed intent on splitting them up. 

It was fun. Only at odd points he found his mind pulled away from the music and mayhem and drinking. Something didn't quite feel right. Possibly just anxiety over seeing Bull. He'd found it hard to look anywhere else when The Charger's were on stage. Bull had an excellent stage presence, charismatic and charming. His powerful voice sent shivers down Dorian's spine. Perhaps he'd feel more settled when - if - they finally spoke. 

There was something more though. His mind insisted on drifting back to therapy and the situation with Solas. Not that it mattered. He didn't care if Solas liked him or not. If he couldn't be bothered to do his job and push Dorian when he needed it then fine. Good. That was all the sign he needed that his original plan of engaging as little as possible and then quietly leaving once he was sure no one would give him a hard time over it was the right one. 

Decision made he went to check in on Cullen, utterly failing to find the man. Ella gleefully informed him she couldn't find Cassandra either. Hopefully that boded well for his friend and the idea it might gave his flagging mood a boost. At least something was going well for one of them. 

In the end he did speak to Bull. Not for long, only a few minutes. The qunari greeted him with a wide, happy smile. They shouted pleasantries at each other over the rather too loud background noise then Bull clapped him on the shoulder, huge hand pausing long enough to give him a firm and friendly squeeze. Then some of his bandmates lured him away again leaving Dorian alone and strangely let down. 

Feeling a little flat and out of sorts, not wanting a good night out to be ruined by a drop in good humour he elected to leave then. A very handsome blonde - Michel maybe? - definitely hit on him on his way out but somehow Dorian wasn't feeling it. There was half a bottle of wine and a comfy bed calling his name. Though in the end he didn't drink any more either. 

The off feeling continued into the next day so that by the time he found himself in therapy he was tense, on edge. It didn't help that he was running late and once he arrived everyone was gossiping over the night before. Specifically the fact that Cullen and Cassandra had been caught making out in the smoking area outside. Dorian felt a flash of annoyance. Of course he missed that development. So much for being sensible and heading home early. Now he felt weirdly left out on top of everything else. Out of the loop. Why hadn't Cullen at least texted him?

Despite his resolution to keep quiet in group from now on, Dorian found himself speaking far more than usual. It started after the round of check ins. Everyone might have had a lot to say whilst waiting for group to start but once the session got under way it seemed they were all reluctant to speak. The silence stretched for several minutes. It was unbearable. 

"I wonder where you've all gone right now. In the silence"

Cole cocked his head to one side and shrugged. "All over. We're all in our own dreams."

"That's OK. We're all together in the silence. That is shared. And it's alright not to want to talk today. I just want everyone to be aware of what they are feeling right now. To note it."

Once Leliana stopped speaking the silence extended even further. How anyone could stand it Dorian didn't know. He couldn't stop glancing over at Solas, waiting for who knew what to happen. When nothing did he finally snapped.

"What's the point in being here if we're just going to sit around doing nothing?"

"Is that what you think is happening? Nothing?"

"Isn't it?"

"It can be very hard to be left alone with your thoughts and feelings, in the quiet with no distractions."

"Ugh. This is pointless."

"You seem very unsettled today Dorian. Is that something you want to talk through and think about with us?"

"No. Yes. I... I don't know."

"You seem angry. Are you angry?"

"Yes."

"With me?"

Dorian winced. Not that he had been taking much trouble to hide it but he hadn't thought his annoyance had been so clear. 

"Sort of."

"Hmm. Can you tell us why that is?"

"You know why."

"I can guess but then I might get it wrong. It would be better if you could tell us."

"Because you know what's wrong and you won't do anything. You won't help me."

"What help did you want from me Dorian?"

There he found himself lost for a response. Words fled from him again. What did he want from Solas? It had seemed obvious - he wanted the man to force him to disclose what his father had done since he wasn't able to push himself to do so. Yet now, even this gentle prompting felt too much.

"I... I..."

"You are referring to the phone call a couple of weeks ago aren't you? When you say I know what's wrong. And I think a part of you wants to share with everyone what you shared with me."

He nods, mute, inexplicably finding tears welling in his eyes.

"So what is holding you back?"

"I... I can't get started."

"This is a start Dorian. I know it must be frustrating. I could tell everyone for you. Or I could push and push until you break down. Personally I don't think either of those is a good option."

"Why not?"

"Because there's a reason you can't do this right now Dorian. You aren't struggling with it for fun. Something is blocking you and I don't want to tear down those blocks without understanding why they are there. What purpose they serve. This is therapy, it's a process of healing. There may be times when you do need a little nudge to do something but right now? I think it would be needlessly destructive to poke too heavily at this before we really understand where you are right now."

Dorian nods again. That made sense. Which didn't make it any easier to hear. 

"So what do I do then? Because I... I dream pretty much every night about... Well about the thing. That happened. And if I can't talk about it I don' think that is going to stop."

"You are likely right. So. I think the next bit of work we need to do with you is about understanding what is preventing you from speaking. I can imagine part of it is that you don't really trust us yet and that's OK. Trust takes time. But it might be worth exploring that and what else is going on. If you would like to?"

"No. I don't want to. I think I need to. I will. Just... Not today."

Leliana beamed at him, which was weird. Solas just nodded, his expression sincere concern rather than smug. Perhaps he hadn't ever been smug. Dorian found the elf very difficult to read most of the time. 

"Then we'll come back to it soon. This is a good step Dorian. I promise you."

It didn't feel good. Honestly Dorian wasn't feeling much of anything. He just felt drained. Tired. Even though nothing had really happened. It was barely a ten minute conversation albeit a fraught one. Cullen quietly dropped him off at home afterwards, checking he was going to be alright. They both knew he wasn't really OK but at least he could assure Cullen he would be perfectly safe. It took all of his energy just to get his coat and shoes off, then drag himself into bed. Who cares that it was the middle of the afternoon? Dorian curled up beneath his heavy, warm blanket and slept.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have a migraine so I hope this all makes sense. I sometimes really struggle with things going well so I wanted to show how that might go for Dorian.

There was no reason Dorian should be feeling so tired. He'd slept through the afternoon, waking groggy and dazed well into the evening. Despite the temptation to stay exactly where he was he managed to push himself into getting up long enough to microwave some soup. Then he slept right the way through until late the next morning. So why did he still feel so drained?

There were things he needed to do. He'd finally had a response from the third and last circle he had applied to but looking at it was beyond him right now. He didn't hold out much hope for a positive response. There were jobs he should be applying for, including one in a bookshop specialising in magical texts and history. Right up his street and all they needed was a copy of his resumé. Literally all he needed to do was email a copy. 

Instead he found himself curled up on his bed scrolling through messages on his phone. Clearly it wasn't going to be a productive day. Pretty much everyone he knew would be at work so company wasn't going to be gotten easily. Even if he was pretty sure some time hanging out with a friend would do wonders for his mood. It took another hour before he realised he could see if Felix was interested in a video call - he still wasn't well enough to go back to either work or study - or even head to Varric's. It was quiet enough during the day, Varric might even appreciate his presence. 

Having accepted that the day was a write off and coming up with two options that weren't sit alone in his tiny apartment he somehow still couldn't get going. Was calling Felix just because he was feeling down when he hadn't done so in nearly a week selfish? He was a bad friend. He should definitely be checking in with him more often. Likewise, what if Varric thought he was being a nuisance or worse, would consider him hanging out during the day as evidence of the drinking problem Dorian wasn't quite ready to admit he might have. 

Three more hours passed and he hadn't even eaten, not so much as made a coffee. Never mind showered or dressed. He was useless today. Utterly useless. Even his phone sat idle beside him. He had a vague idea it had beeped a few times but at this point even checking it was a chore he didn't feel up to. So when a loud knocking started up at his door not only was it unexpected, it startled him out of a foggy haze.

He was already answering the door before he realised he wasn't exactly dressed for company. A crumpled t-shirt and lose sweat pants was as far from his usual style as he could get. Not to mention his hair was a wreck and he couldn't even think about his moustache right now. Thankfully it was just Cullen who took in his rumpled state without comment. 

"Hey."

"Hi. Yes. Er... Come in I guess?"

Truthfully Dorian hadn't actually invited anyone in before. Cullen and Ella had both either picked him up or dropped him off and Varric had helped him find the place when he first arrived - at Mae's insistence no doubt - but that was it. Thankfully he wasn't too much of a slob most of the time. Unfortunately unless they were going to sit on his bed or at the rickety table that took up a chunk of the kitchen area he didn't really have the space to entertain. 

"I was worried. You weren't answering your messages."

"There were messages?"

Dorian grabbed for his phone, quickly checking. Yep. Three messages from Cullen and a missed call from Ella. He didn't even remember ignoring a call...

"So. You OK?"

He shrugged.

"Are YOU OK? Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Right. Ella bullied me into taking a half day the day after therapy."

"She knows you're in therapy?"

"Yeah. Sure. She knows you are too right? Just not that we're doing it together."

"Right. Well. I thought you never took time off."

"I didn't used to. I'd still rather not but if its a hard session I'm not really in a fit state for work the next day. So it's either take a half day every week or end up taking a lot of mental health days unplanned."

"Hmm."

"So. I'm doing fine. Great actually. Your turn to answer the question."

"I'm fine. Just tired."

"Yeah. It really takes it out of you, this whole therapy thing. Leliana says its why they call it work because we're doing a lot more than we realise we are."

"Aren't we not meant to talk about group stuff?"

"Right. Sure. I just thought you might appreciate some company. And... Er..."

"You needed something?"

"I thought maybe you and Ella wouldn't mind getting dinner together or something."

"Because?"

"I need help planning a date for Cass."

Cullen blushed and Dorian grinned. OK. This he could do. 

"Give me a bit to get ready."

Varric's was the easiest place to meet up with Ella. It was close to her work and she'd had a long day so was definitely up for not cooking and in the mood for a pint. Which is why Dorian found himself ensconced within a booth, arguing with Ella about romantic gestures whilst Cullen shook his head in despair when The Iron Bull suddenly materialised next to the table. 

"Just so you know if this is meant to be a private conversation it needs to be quieter. Also you're wrong big guy. Cassandra is definitely a traditional flowers and chocolates kinda gal. You can be a bad ass and still like soft things, y'know?"

"Thank you Bull! That's what I've been telling them."

"Fine. But if you insist on poetry at least let me pick something. I don't trust either of you to do so."

"You a poetry expert Vint?"

"Only compared to Southern louts."

Bull ended up joining them and it seemed he was a fan of Dorian's snark. At least they were soon trading insults about their respective homelands and laughing about it. Well Bull laughed. Dorian huffed in faux annoyance and delivered his most dashing smiles whenever he caught Bull looking. It was by far their best encounter. Even if somehow Bull ended up being the one to arrange Cullen's date for him. 

Afterwards Dorian found himself at a bit of a loss. Cullen and Ella left together talking about work things. Cullen had offered him a lift back home but somehow he didn't want to. He had a very real fear that if he saw his bed right now then he wouldn't get out of it again for a week. Whilst the evening had been highly entertaining the remnants of his earlier glum mood were still there just waiting to fall heavily upon his shoulders once more. 

He couldn't just stay out though. Not on his own. Not if he was planning on staying relatively sober. Which for once he was. 

"Hey. I wasn't quite ready to head home and I don't fancy drinking alone. How would you feel about dessert? I know a great little Dalish place. Does these little pastry things with cinnamon in them."

"Oh. Er. Yes. Sure. That sounds nice."

Dorian cringed. Didn't he used to be much smoother than this? Now he couldn't even respond to a simple invitation without sounding like a fool. Bull didn't seem to mind so he followed the qunari out whilst trying to figure out exactly what he'd been invited to. Just some friendly company? A date? A trap?

It was meant to be a silly thought but his brain stuttered around it. There was no way his father would hire a qunari to kidnap him. Then again there was no way his father would ever resort to blood magic so... 

He shivered and tried to remind himself to breath. What was it Solas had talked him through that time on the phone? Five things you can see. Four things you can hear? Smell? Remember? Fuck. He'd forgotten and now he was anxious about the thing that was meant to help him with his anxiety. 

"Dorian? Hey. Breath. With me. I'm going to count ok? Four in. Hold for seven. Out for eight."

When he could breath clearly again he realised they were sat on a bench in a small park with a cafe in it. The Dalish place Bull had told him about. No trap. Nothing sinister at all. 

"I'm sorry. I promise I'm not a complete wreck all the time..."

"I don't think you're a wreck. I think you had a panic attack or something."

"Still. I AM sorry. I can hardly be making the best impression."

"You don't need to. No one's at their best all the time."

"I used to be."

"Sounds exhausting."

For some reason that made Dorian laugh. Slightly hysterically but neither of them mentioned that. 

"How did you know what to do?"

"With the panic attack? I used to get them real bad. Still do sometimes. War vet, comes with the territory I'm afraid. So. Dessert?"

The pastries were delicious and hot chocolate so dark and rich it brought back happy memories of home helped ease the last of his anxiety. It definitely wasn't a date. At least Bull didn't flirt with him. He was pretty sure there had been some flirting back at Varric's. As understanding as Bull had been about the fact he was clearly a mess, it was too much to hope any man would still be interested after such a display. Still the next hour passed by very quickly and then Bull was offering to walk him home. Helpful since Dorian had only the vaguest idea of where they were. 

If this had been a date he would invite Bull in. Then again if this had been a date he would have pushed to go back to Bull's place so he could sneak out in the early hours. As it was he found himself hovering nervously by his own door not quite sure what to do. 

"I had a nice time tonight. You're good company Dorian."

"Quite. Thank you."

"Here's my card with my number and stuff on it. So we can do it again if you want."

And then he was gone leaving Dorian alone once more. Still standing in his own doorway, his cheek warm where he was pretty sure he hadn't just hallucinated Bull kissing it. 

He didn't call Bull or email him or make any contact at all. He did save his details though. As sure as he was that he didn't imagine the quick brush of Bull's lips against his cheek he still didn't know what it meant. It might not mean anything at all. The qunari seemed like a generally affectionate person. Even if the man was interested in him Dorian still wasn't sure he wanted to act on it. On the one hand Bull was both gorgeous and kind. On the other, he didn't have a good track record staying friends with the men he slept with and somehow he couldn't stand the thought of Bull becoming one of the many who lost all interest in him once they'd gotten what they wanted. 

So he put his ridiculous crush to one side and got on with his week. Felix seemed somewhat bemused and entertained when Dorian called him every day. Then worried as it meant he could track the circles under his eyes, a sure sign Dorian wasn't getting the rest he needed. Not that Felix looked much better though he insisted that his current treatment was easier going than previous efforts. 

Mae called him and gave him a hard time for neglecting her before prying into his private life as was her wont. He was pretty sure Varric was telling her all the gory details - or lack of them - so far anyway. Certainly she knew about the whole Sethis debacle from somewhere. Apparently the man had quite the reputation back home. He was member of the very exclusive Venatori social club and whilst there were whispers about ugly allegations nothing that stuck. Dorian considered himself to have had a lucky escape. When he said as much Mae gave him a shocked look. 

"Dorian, darling. A night you can't remember that left you with bruises is not a 'lucky escape.' He..."

"Took advantage. Yes. I was willing though. He really didn't need to drug me or get me drunk or whatever it was he did. And I would vastly prefer we all just forget about it now."

"But... Dorian..."

That was a conversation Dorian wasn't prepared to have. Not with Mae. Not in therapy. Not with anyone. He wasn't a victim. Not really. He was just an idiot who would take far greater care in the future. Besides, whatever Sethis had or hadn't done paled in comparison to all the other things he still couldn't bring himself to raise in therapy. 

The next session was another one that started with an extended silence. The longer it went on for the more Dorian's skin itched, nerves twitching. This time he wasn't the one to break it though. Cole was. 

"I tried to help a girl yesterday. She was sad and I tried to help but I made it worse."

"Why do you think you made it worse Cole?"

"She said I did. She said she didn't ask for my help and I should learn to leave people alone."

"That sounds tough. What did you try and do?"

"She was crying. So I asked if she was OK and tried to give her my handkerchief but she got angry and shouted at me."

"I'm sorry that happened Cole."

"Why is wanting to help wrong?"

"It's not wrong. You're a kind person Cole. That's a good thing. Sometimes though people want to deal with things on their own. Or they aren't ready to deal with them. A lot of the time our pain is very personal."

"If it's personal why do we have to talk about it in here?"

"Well. Therapy is different. You're all here because you have decided you need help and we feel we can give you that."

"I don't want to need help."

Dorian almost smiled at that, then felt guilty for such a response. He couldn't help agreeing. He didn't want to need help either. He hoped Cole didn't think his half smile was a sign Dorian was laughing at him. Leliana stepped in, which prompted a possible flicker of annoyance to cross Solas' face. Dorian had noticed he seemed very protective of the young man. 

"I think today we could all think about something together. I don't think any of you are comfortable having needs at all. Cole - you always want to help other people but you don't like the idea that you might need help. What about the rest of you?"

"I know that I need help. I got started giving up the Lyrium by myself but when I was trying to go it alone I was relapsing every few months."

"Good Cullen. How does that make you feel?"

"Ashamed. I... I think it makes me weak."

"I don't. At least you're trying and Lyrium is like the most addictive substance around."

Cullen smiled over at Dorian, though he flushed slightly. Cullen was definitely not comfortable with compliments. 

"I agree Dorian. I think choosing to fight an addiction and getting the help to do so makes Cullen strong not weak. Now. What about you? How do you feel about needing help?"

"I... Well I... I don't really think I need help."

"You don't? Only last week you were saying you thought you did need help. That you were having nightmares about things from your past."

"OK. Fine. I suppose I do need help with that but I... I shouldn't."

"Why shouldn't you?"

"Because. I... I'm smart. Really smart. Like top of my class the whole way through school smart. I was raised with every advantage. I should just know what to do."

"Do you thinking needing help makes you stupid?"

"Yes."

"Hmm. Do you think Cullen is stupid, or Cole? Or Anders and Krem and Merril?"

"No! I... No I don't think that."

"Do you think you are smarter than they are?"

"I... I haven't really thought about it. I don't think I'm better than they are? I just... I've always been able to figure things out for myself. Why can't I do that now?"

"I think you've had to figure out a lot of things by yourself. So that's what you're used to. I don't think its the best way though or you wouldn't be here. So. You are really very uncomfortable with needing help aren't you? Is that just because you haven't ever really had help so you aren't used to it, or could there be something deeper going on here?"

"I don't know. I don't want to talk anymore."

"OK. Krem? Anders? Do you have anything to add? Merril?"

"I don't mind needing help. Bull helps me, loads. All The Chargers. I just... I have a hard time trusting that the people who want to help me are always going to be around. What if something happens and I need to manage on my own?"

"Do you worry that if you let people in you'll become dependant on them?"

Krem nods.

"And then you could be separated from them, like you have been from your dad?"

He nods again.

"That would really hurt wouldn't it? Does that pain feel like it might be unbearable?"

"Yeah. I guess. I miss him."

Dorian felt a pang of something. Not jealousy - which he half expected - sorrow. He felt sad for Krem. Krem had spoken about his father before. He sounded like a great dad but unfortunately he couldn't get out of Tevinter and join Krem here. You needed a certain amount in savings to be granted the right kind of visa. Krem's family didn't have savings, they had debt. 

It wasn't just Krem's pain that had tears welling up however. He wished he could just miss his own father the way Krem did his. Because he did miss him. He missed lazy Saturday afternoons when his father would read with him or play a strategy game or even take him out somewhere. Whatever they did was always somewhat educational but it had been fun. His father had been proud of him then. Had held his hand so he wouldn't get lost. He'd comforted him after bad dreams. The first time he'd gotten into a fight and been expelled - before his parents found out why he was always fighting - his father had been quick to defend him. Now he wasn't sure if the man he missed so much had ever even existed. 

Anders was saying something about not trusting people when he realised he had zoned out and missed a good fifteen minutes of the session. He was pretty sure Leliana had noticed because that woman noticed everything. Solas gave him a nod which could mean anything from "good to have you back with us - to "ah yes, a rude entitled Altus who doesn't think other people matter, good to have that confirmed." He really couldn't figure the elf out. 

Once again by the time group finished he was utterly exhausted. Ella, Felix and even Sera had told him therapy would help. How was this helping? He felt worse than ever. If he had the energy he would get dressed up and go find a distraction. Instead he practically fell into bed the second he got home, barely aware of what he'd been up to at Ella's. Cullen had driven them round there as usual and he knew Ella had wanted to talk to him about something important but he'd struggled to pay attention to her. 

So he fell back against his mountain of pillows, stuck some music on and cradled a bottle of cheap wine to his chest. There was no way he was going to escape dreaming about his father tonight. Even giving himself permission to obsess over Bull couldn't distract him from the memories, good and bad alike. If anything the good ones hurt more. If he was going to have to deal with this tonight then he wasn't going to do so sober. 

He woke the next day with a pounding head, eyes that burned from hours of crying and the certainty that when he finally had to move to relieve his bladder his stomach would rebel. As long as he stayed very still he could hold the nausea at bay. Nothing felt any better than it had the night before. He had honestly believed that finding himself homeless and on the run was the low point of his life. Even then he hadn't felt quite so hopeless and worthless as he did right now. 

He was meant to be enjoying a fresh start. New country where he was free to date as publicly or not as he chose. Unexpected new friends. Free at last from the family expectations that had weighed on him even as a child. Instead he was unemployed, rapidly eating through his savings and with zero prospect either career or relationship wise. He should drag himself out of bed but what was the point. 

When his phone buzzed he finally got up. Just to use the toilet and throw cold water at his face. Successfully avoiding throwing up was all the victory he expected to experience today. Then he checked his messages. The usual checking in from Felix and Mae. Then one from Cullen that had him dropping his phone in shock. 

"You seemed super out of it last night. So just a reminder. You need to call Ella about Skyhold Circle." 

Skyhold didn't have a circle last time he checked. If it had then he would have applied to continue his studies there. What was Cullen on about? 

"What?"

"Skyhold Circle. Opening in the fall. Ella is going to be working there. One of her old work friends Professor De Fer is Dean or something. She thinks they'd take you. And she needs a research assistant. Low pay but you seemed interested yesterday."

"Oh."

How out of it had he been? He should call Ella. This could be the opportunity he needed to kick start his life again. Instead he went back to bed and waited for the other shoe to drop, confused by his own reaction. This was a good thing, right? So why did he just feel like hiding? Why was his anxiety sky rocketing again? Why was he crying? Sobbing even. 

He reached for his phone again. 

"Can you come over? I don't feel so great."

"OMW."

The person he really wanted was Felix. Maybe even his father. Cullen was the closest he had here. Or Ella. But there was no way Ella would understand how the chance to do everything he'd said he wanted to was somehow making feel sick to his stomach. He thought Cullen might get it though. He hoped he did because then Cullen could explain it to him. 

Cullen sighed when he saw him. Dorian knew he was shades paler than usual, ,trembling where he stood. And it wasn't just the amount of wine he'd drunk last night. 

"Maybe we should get me a key cut so I can check on more easily."

"No need. I'm fine. Really."

"You seem it."

"I... I didn't even remember us talking about it. Not even when you explained. Just a faint idea that we talked about something important."

"I think thats called dissociation Dorian. You should get a call back from Solas or Leliana."

"Will we get in trouble?"

"Trouble?"

"Doing therapy stuff together. Not in group."

"Dorian. You're my friend. The guidelines aren't meant to stop us supporting each other just to stop us crossing boundaries or trying to deal with things in ways that aren't safe for us. I'm just gonna sit here and feed you tea until you can call them. It's fine. I promise."

Cullen did just that. He stuck his headphones in when Dorian got the call back but he stayed right through, even helped tuck Dorian back into bed when they were done. 

"You gonna be alright now?"

"I think so? Will you explain. To Ella? I want to try. The Skyhold thing. I just..."

"I get it. I will yeah."

"Thanks. The er... The spare key. In the cutlery draw."

Cullen smiled and he did his best to smile back. 

"I'm glad we're friends. I... I wasn't sure..."

"Definitely friends. And I'm glad too. When you feel better remind me to tell you about my date with Cass. It went well before you worry but there's definitely some quality teasing for you to do."

"Sounds good."

"And I need to return the favour because a certain qunari was asking about you according to Varric."

"I..."

"Feel better soon Dorian. Get in touch if you need anything."

Gratefully Dorian sunk back down into his pillows. He still didn't really understand what had happened today. Leliana had calmed him down. Said something about how both good and bad news could be overwhelming. All he really knew was that he felt fragile, that feeling that way in turn made him angry and the whole thing was wearing him out. Tomorrow he had promised Leliana he would contact Ella and find out what he needed to do. She'd even said that either Solas or her would call him in the morning in case he needed extra support to do so. For today he could rest, sleep his hangover off and try to do some of the self care things she'd suggested.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the wait. I promise the very slow burn romance will heat up eventually. I hope other people love the idea of Cullen and Dorian as friends as much as I do.

Dorian had anticipated a difficult night given that he had basically slept through the day. It turns out facing your - metaphorical - demons was exhausting even if you weren't quite up to fighting them yet. He slept with a depth he hadn't achieved in years. Not since some of his more legendary student drinking days. Which meant he woke early and in theory ready to face the day. 

Only he didn't feel ready. All he had to do was phone Ella, his good friend who he had spoken to on the phone many times. He didn't even need to make a choice about studying or working at the new circle, just to find out the details. He could take the time to think about it. That was something he vaguely recalled Leliana telling him yesterday. 

So why was it so hard? Perhaps he should start with something easier. That was a legitimate technique. He was sure he'd read about it - breaking your day down into manageable tasks and just focussing on the one you were working on. Right. What else did he need to do? Eat. Shower. Drink a lot of water. Sleeping as much as he had been wasn't the best for staying hydrated. If he could do those three things then he might feel up to planning the rest of the day.

Getting a glass of water was easy enough. He took some vitamin tablets whilst he was at it - he really hadn't been eating well lately and the boost from the supplements could only help. Vaguely he wondered if there were other medications he could take, something to help with his mood. He'd been medicated before, back at The Order or Argent. Though he was pretty sure the "mood stabilisers" he had been given weren't as advertised. They'd just left him dopey and confused. Easier to handle. Then his father... Well. He discarded the idea with a shiver. No. No drugs for him. 

So. Water. That was one thing off the list. He'd made a start. That was something. Should he shower or eat next? He was hungry, he could feel the gnawing ache in his guts that meant he really had gone too long since his last meal. Only then he spent nearly an hour stood between his open fridge and the cupboard that stored the rest of his meagre food supplies. There really weren't many options, the fridge was making him cold and still he couldn't pick something. In the end he went to shower instead, hopeful that the hot water would soothe his agitation. Making a decision whilst feeling increasingly overwrought clearly wasn't working. 

The shower did help. The heat was turned up a touch too high, just the way he liked it. Feeling clean always worked wonders. Its true Dorian had been forced to learn how to pick up after himself at an embarrassingly late age but he wasn't by nature a slob. He liked things neat and tidy, himself in particular. It didn't help enough. He still couldn't figure out what food he wanted and the more he thought about the less eating appealed. 

By the time Solas called he had perfectly applied his eye liner despite shaking hands, dressed in a tightly fitted t-shirt and comfortable but neatly tailored pair of jeans but he had yet to manage breakfast. Or calling Ella. Which meant that the slightly hopeful mood he had woken up in was gone, replaced with growing frustration and a return of the dejected feelings that had haunted him for the past few days. Or longer if he was being honest. 

It didn't take long to explain his predicament to Solas and to answer some simple questions. Yes, he was hungry. No he wasn't overwhelmed with choice. Realistically it was toast the last of the bread or cereal, of which he had exactly one type. No, he didn't think this was an attempt to deliberately neglect himself. 

"Hmm. Well. You have expressed a lot of anxiety about this situation with Skyhold Circle. Do you feel like the fact you are facing a potentially live changing set of decisions is making all decisions difficult?"

"I... I don't think so? The thing with Skyhold... It's not that I don't know what I want. Unless what Ella has to tell me makes it sound awful then returning to academia is exactly what I want."

"Something is holding you back though. Do you have any idea what?"

"It feels like pity. I can't abide pity. I'm not some charity case."

"Even if your friend was being charitable in trying to help you the opportunity is real. And if it reassures you I have come across Professor De Fer before. If she accepts you into her Circle it most certainly won't be out of pity."

"I know. I know you're right. It just... Ella is going out of her way for me. What if I disappoint her?"

"Pressure to meet other people's expectations can be a very difficult thing to manage. I suspect particularly for you."

"What do you mean by that?"

Solas' words had definitely touched a nerve, he could feel his hackles rising. There was almost a relief in the quick flash of anger. Was Solas suggesting that he couldn't deal with the pressure? 

"I mean that you parents - your father in particular - had expectations of you that you couldn't meet. Or rather couldn't meet in a way that would be healthy for you."

"Yes. Well. Those particular expectations were bullshit."

"i know. You know that too, logically. Do you really know it though? Do you feel it to be true? I think you are very angry with your father - justifiably so. I cannot help but feel that some part of you is just as angry with yourself and I think that warrants further exploration. What is your anger hiding?"

"Ugh. This isn't helping. I thought you were meant to be helping me so I could phone Ella."

"Very well. I think we can leave this for group - you could certainly benefit from exploring it together."

"Fine."

"You know what you need to find out and what you want to do. Ella is your friend Dorian, she'll want to hear from you. A friend caring for you isn't pity or charity.I think you know that, deep down. Your pride... It is a protective measure. Figuring out what it is protecting you from will take time. For now, I hope that having admitted you want to take this opportunity might make it easier to do so. You are a clever young man with experience and ambition in the area of magical research and history and if what I have seen so far is anything to go by a strong drive to work. You're a good candidate and would be without a personal recommendation."

"So. I should just call."

"You should. Perhaps you will find it easier to face food when you have done so?"

"Hmm."

Truthfully he was feeling more settled physically, even if was feeling off balance in other ways now. Solas reminded him he could call back anytime. Even later today. Even in half an hour if he needed to. Someone would get back to him as soon as they were able. The offer was kind but Dorian doubted he would take it. Either he phoned Ella or he didn't and there was no way he was prepared to admit to anyone that he was too much of a coward to talk to a friend. For all his flaws, "coward" was not one he could accept, even in the privacy of his own head. 

So. Best to get this over with. 

Ella was delighted to hear from him. Of course she was. Too much to go into over the phone - especially as she had a busy day at work - apparently, so a lunch date was made. At Varric's, naturally. Ella promised to bring all the details and paperwork for him to fill in. If he decided to go for it. Theoretically he could turn it down. Though he doubted even he had the willpower to resist Ella's sad pouty let down face. 

It also gave him a vague plan for the day. Whilst his nerves still thrummed with anxiety, now that he had taken the initial step he found he could breath a little easier. Breakfast turned out to be easy enough now. He had nothing to spread on toast - he really needed to do a shop - so cereal it was. Also coffee. And more water since he still felt ever so faintly hungover despite not having drunk anything. 

Since he was already dressed he allowed himself an hour just to read and relax. Then it was time to get ready for his lunch date with Ella. He even remembered to grab some canvas bags so he could do some shopping on the way home. For the first time in days he felt like a vaguely competent grown up. 

Varric wasn't working when he arrived at the bar so he was served by Cabot, the grumpy barman Varric never gave evening shifts to. He'd also arrived before Ella so he grabbed their usual table and tried to look like a put together reliable prospect and not a nervous wreck. When Ella finally arrived, somewhat out of breath with her hair in charming disarray her warm, excited smile was enough to put him at ease. 

"I'm sorry! Work thing ran late! Did you order yet? No? Let me get menus."

Not that they needed the menus. Lunchtime fair was pretty limited. Dorian always went for a chicken sub with fries on the side. Ella always went for the vegetarian pasta. He did order a beer since he'd finished his soft drink whilst waiting. 

"So. There's a prospectus to look through. Lots of courses. Also a form to send in over email if you are wanting to carry on with previous study. And an application form for the research assistant. Not going to lie, Viv is a hard taskmaster and whilst I can promise you an interview its her you'll need to impress. She'll take my preferences into account of course but she's the one with final say. Even though its my research and me you'd be working for. I guess to stop me just hiring my mates? Or she's a control freak."

"Aren't you just trying to hire me because I'm your friend? She may have a point."

"Nah. You aren't my only unemployed pal Dor. Just the only one who has a hope in hell of being useful to me. And I did promise I would help you find something. This way we can help each other!"

Her face fell slightly.

"Unless you don't want to work with me. I guess I didn't think of that. A friend as your boss. That could be weird right? I'm doing that thing again aren't I? Where I get overexcited and run full steam ahead and you're probably trying to figure out how to let me down nicely because you're kind."

"Ella, stop. I would love to work with you. For you. You know I've been desperate to get back into research. Any research to be honest though of course I am hoping I get to continue with the temporal stuff I was working on in Tevinter. Eventually."

She grinned and after that lunch went pretty smoothly. There was a lot of paper work. The job application was pretty straight forward and annoyingly repetitive - there were a lot of extra forms in which he had to repeatedly declare he was legally allowed to work and he had to send in proof. It was the student application process that was the more daunting prospect. Even if he was accepted onto a programme, he had no idea how he would be funding it. In Tevinter he had paid all his fees up front then forgotten about it because he had been more than fortunate enough to have the means. Here in Ferelden that wasn't the case and it was very unclear if he qualified for any help. There was some kind of loan system to look into at least. 

Overall it did look promising. The mysterious Professor De Fer saw this as an opportunity to make a name for herself, that was clear. Dorian could either help with that or prove detrimental. Tevinter mages were not popular here which was a point against him and he no longer had the connections he once did. On the other hand they hadn't called him a prodigy back home for nothing. If Skyhold Circle couldn't benefit from a genius whose previous work had already been turned into profitable applications of magic, earning his old Circle cold hard cash as well as extra funding and a boost to their reputation then they didn't deserve him. Besides which he could hold his own at functions ranging from purely social to intercollegiate debates to fund raisers. 

Ella and Cullen had both promised not to tell anyone he was applying. That way if he was refused his humiliation could remain fairly private. If he was accepted, well. It would be nice to share the good news himself.

Feeling somewhat reassured on that point at least he managed to enjoy the rest of his afternoon. Even if he had forgotten to make a shopping list which meant lots of standing blankly in front of well stocked shelves trying to recall what he actually needed. Other than a nicer wine than he usually stretched to. After the ups and downs he had lived through today alone he felt he had earned it. He might even try to find some pleasant company to share it with. If he was feeling brave enough to message Bull anyway. 

As it happens he wasn't. The idea tempted him certainly but he had already used up all the brave he had within him today. He really didn't want to spend the night drinking alone however so instead he invited Cullen around. He owed the man a huge thank you and Cullen owed him a blow by blow account of his date with Cassandra. Which he got, in minute detail and delivered with much flustered but pleased blushing. Cass had clearly had a good time because mid way through the bottle she called to ask him out at the weekend. The two friends toasted their successes and it reminded Dorian of similar nights spent with Felix. 

It took him a few days to send in the job application, nearly two weeks to fill in the student one and to research into student loans. Apparently he could get one, even though he wasn't Ferelden born and had only recently moved here. Marvellous country. Between that and his meagre wage - should he get the research post - he should be able to afford the roof over his head. Which was a relief. 

When he wasn't chasing paperwork from his old Circle, triple checking paperwork and letting Mae and Felix reassure him he was playing chess with Cullen, drinking with Sera or helping Ella buy a whole new wardrobe to go with her shiny new job. She had a month off between finishing at her old place and starting at Skyhold Circle ahead of it opening. Which meant Dorian got to see more of her, a fact he appreciated even if he was a touch jealous of her ability to buy new clothes. Another thing he really had taken for granted and now missed terribly. 

Twice he ran into Bull. Both times the qunari was friendly, flirtatious even. Which would have been fantastic except that he never actually acted on it. Dorian tried to start something the second time but apparently Bull wasn't interested in sleeping with a drunk Dorian. Dorian still wasn't clear if that kindly given rejection meant he was interested in a sober Dorian. Since he still wasn't quite ready for making the first move without a reasonable amount of alcohol in him it was rather a moot point. 

As for therapy, that was tough going. 

Merril had turned up to their last session with fresh cuts. Not deep and they were healing well but it wasn't the point. Anders had reacted strangely, muttering to himself. He seemed torn between concern - which Dorian understood - and anger, which he didn't. There was something more to the situation that he wasn't getting, some history no doubt covered in sessions that predated his time with the group.

Something it seemed he might be about to find out. The group was tense. Anders constantly jiggled his left leg, perhaps with nerves more likely anger as he was also scowling intently at the floor. Cullen was shifting uncomfortably. Krem was alternating between worried glances and avoiding eye contact. As for Dorian, he could feel his shoulders tightening more with every passing second. Solas and Leliana had gently prompted them to talk but thus far no one seem inclined. 

Then Anders finally broke, his words short and sharp, snapped out through clenched teeth. 

"Merril promised to stop with the blood magic."

"Yes. She did. We don't know thats what happened Anders. People hurt themselves for all sorts of reasons."

"But its not OK. She's hurting herself even if she doesn't think she is."

"I didn't do blood magic! Bela left again and I didn't know what to do about it, I had a panic attack when I couldn't reach her. This calmed me down. No magic."

"OK. So. Merril I think you are feeling attacked. I can understand that. Anders assuming the worst can't feel very good for you?"

"I'm sorry but I am not going to apologise for wanting Merril to stay safe! For caring!"

The next half hour was taken up with Anders and Merril working through their upset with each other. At least that's what Dorian assumed. He wasn't really following. He was sat in a room with a blood mage. Had been for weeks and weeks now, with no idea. How could that be? Merril was a sweetheart. She was kind and caring. Wasn't she? 

He didn't realise he was hyperventilating until Solas' voice broke through his panicked haze. 

"Dorian! Breath with me. Come on."

Solas talked him through it, helping him calm enough to at least look up. As long as he stayed like that, just breathing and focusing on making eye contact with Solas he could ignore everyone else. Everything else. Finally he looked away, breath shaky but slow.

"I'm sorry. I... I didn't know you were a blood mage."

"I'm not, really. I... I went through a bad patch. Felt very alone. Started cutting. I never meant to use it with magic but well. I needed a friend and the blood... It called to one. I thought. I know better now, I promise I do and I never used it for anything really. Never hurt anyone with it."

Dorian nodded. Still far from calm. Not as reassured as he wished he was. He knew things like this happened. Back home there were people who swore it was perfectly safe as long as you used only your own blood and only for small but powerful personal things. Even his father... 

"Breathe Dorian."

"Sorry. I'm sorry Merril. It's not you."

Solas sighed, soft and gentle. Not an exhale of frustration much as part of Dorian was determined to read it as one.

"Is blood magic a difficult subject for you Dorian? You aren't alone in that I can assure you."

"I... I know. It's just. My... You know."

"I think I do, yes. Do you feel up to explaining?"

He could see Cullen beside him, looking just as shaky and pale as he felt. His friend nodded, just once. A quick jerk of his head and a grimace that was desperately trying to pass for a smile. There was still something encouraging about it. Cullen was urging him on even though this was clearly a difficult topic for him too. He glanced quickly over at Anders, not wanting to set him off again. The man seemed calm enough, dried tear tracks still in evidence down his cheeks the only sign he had been anything else. 

"I... I can try. Right. There's no good way to say this. You know already my parents disapprove of... Well of me. After all their attempts to straighten me out - pun intended - failed they... My father... He tried to use blood magic t-to change me. To make me a better son."

"His idea of a better son. I don't think you were a bad son Dorian."

Dorian squirmed on his chair, more than uncomfortable.

"Yes. Well. It's not that simple is it? I... My father was wrong. I know that. My mother too. Being gay... That's not something I will ever be ashamed of. I'm queer and proud and Tevinter's prevailing attitudes need to change. But... I wasn't always a good son. Or a good person."

"Hmm. I think people who are struggling sometimes act in ways that one might consider bad. I am not convinced that makes THEM bad. Regardless there is nothing you could possibly do or have done which would make what your father tried to do OK. You deserved better."

Dorian nods, though he knows it lacks conviction. Now that they are talking about this all he wants to do is run. preferably into either a bottle of something strong or the bed of someone stronger. Leliana sounded like she believed utterly what she was saying but she didn't actually know the things he had done. Nor the full extent of what had been done to him. 

"Do you think you can look up, look around the room? I wonder if it might help you to see how people are responding."

At first he shakes his head. He doesn't want to see. He can already imagine. Pity. Contempt. Disgust. Horror. He takes a deep, steadying breath before forcing his eyes up. Perhaps there is a little pity. Certainly there is some horror, presumably at the fact that any parent would attempt such a thing. Mostly there is sympathy. Empathy even? Of all people, Krem is tearful. 

It is Anders that takes him by surprise, no longer calm. If he thought the man was angry earlier he had no words for what to call this. Anders was positively ranting and he heard enough to know that it would not end well if he were ever to meet Magister Pavus. 

"I need to go and calm down."

"If you aren't back in five minutes one of us will check on you. Please stay in the building?"

"Garden?"

"Garden is fine Anders."

Dorian couldn't help the guilt this exchange triggered in him. He hadn't meant to upset someone so much they had to leave. Whilst Leliana dealt with that, Solas kept his attention on Dorian. 

"Can you tell us how you are feeling now Dorian?"

"I don't know."

"Angry? Upset?"

"Ashamed. Guilty."

"Ah. I thought that might be it. Can you tell us why?"

"Because now you all think I'm some poor little victim and my father is some terrible villain and its not like that."

"Do you think what he tried to do to you could ever be OK?"

"NO! No. I know it wasn't. It's why I left. I just... I don't want you all to think that's all there is to him. Before that... He was good. A good dad."

"Even though he sent you to Argent? I've heard stories about that place. None of them good."

"Alright but you don't know how I provoked him. It wasn't just the queer thing. I... I was kicked out of so many schools. For fighting. Bullying. He put up with a lot from me. Of course I hated him for sending me there but I think he just didn't know what to do."

"It sounds to me Dorian like you love your father very much."

He swallowed back tears, dropping his gaze away from Solas piercing eyes as he agreed. 

"Do you think he loved you?"

"I don't know."

Its barely more than a whisper. He had been sure once that he was loved. Now... Now he didn't know what to think. 

"I don't think I'm really a very loveable person."

"I... I love you."

"And here I though you were into Cassandra."

"I don't mean like that and you know it. I love you Dorian, you're a good friend. Ella loves you too. Even Sera."

"I... Thank you."

It didn't make it easier. Something in him warmed at the words, the declaration of affection. How heartfelt it was. Something else, a bigger part for now reacted quite differently. It made him feel empty. Hollowed out. Once he had been absolutely convinced his father had known him better than anyone. Once. Yet in the end he had rejected who Dorian truly was. Had risked both of them to try and force a change Dorian could never have lived with. Cullen might love him, might honestly think he did. Cullen had only known him for months though. His father had known him his entire life. 

It made more of a difference than he wanted it to. 

Later that night when he woke gasping and choking on nightmares, he tried to recapture the warmth of Cullen's words. It was a small thing when compared to the devastation left in the ruins of his relationship with his father. Just a small gesture. In the dark of the night it helped anyway. He had friends. He was cared for. It was something.

The kind of something that meant he could sit at his computer with a glass of wine and message with Sera - she kept strange hours - and Mae - who claimed she was already so beautiful that she could afford to miss her beauty sleep. It helped. Just enough that an hour later he could return to bed and actually sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this has taken a while. This last week has been a real struggle. Not really happy with this but I have put off posting it in hopes I can edit it into something better for too long. So here it is.

Dorian still hadn't heard anything about whether he would be studying at the new circle when it opened but he did have an interview for the research position. It occurred to him that Professor De Fer might want to meet with him before making any decisions about his place at Skyhold Circle. Which meant the interview was doubly important. On the one hand that added to the stress of the whole thing - it was a lot of pressure, the thought that his entire future could rest on one meeting. 

On the other hand, when given the chance the world of academia was one he flourished in. All he had to do was convince this woman that he was worth whatever political fallout his presence within the Circle might cause. Dorian had grown used to living with doubt and uncertainty, something he had never imagined would haunt him in his earlier days. Here though he felt quietly confident. As a mage he was powerful and controlled, as a student motivated and brilliant. Besides which with a Magister for a parent he had grown up living and breathing politics. If necessary he could fight his own battles on that front and win the professor and her Circle prestige in the process. 

Not that he didn't fret in the lead up. He did. It was more difficult to build up the masks he wore in public than it ever had been before. Talking about his father in therapy had shaken him to the core. Even beneath his perfectly applied make-up and stylish suit he felt off balance, fragile. He paced the waiting room in a display of nerves he loathed himself for but when the time came to walk into Professor De Fer's office he knew no sign of anxiety was visible. Once he got in there he found his old confidence waiting, like a familiar well worn coat he was able to slip right on. 

During the interview he learned three things about Professor De Fer. Whilst she was cooler, more aloof than Mae the two should never meet. They were far too similar. Poised, beautiful and absolutely sure of themselves in way Dorian wasn't used to seeing here in the South. Not amongst the mages anyway. Mae and the professor would make excellent friends or spectacular enemies and either option spelt danger for everyone. Though it would be fun to watch. 

Secondly he realised that he had been right. The professor didn't doubt his abilities or that he could be a good fit academically. Her concerns were all about who he was. Not just a mage from Tevinter - for all her perfect mouth curled slightly when she mentioned the Imperium he was already sure she was calculating enough not to let personal dislike deny her a good prospect - but the estranged son of Magister. Dorian had stayed rather under the radar - not entirely by choice - since he came South. Professor De Fer recognised his name, had likely researched him thoroughly. She was as aware as he was that if his work here attracted even a fraction of the attention it had back in Tevinter then he wouldn't continue to escape notice. If there were scandals to be discovered - they both knew there were - she wanted to know about them now. 

Finally, she was a woman who appreciated a challenge. Who liked to take a chance and do the unexpected when it could serve her interests to do so. All he had to do was convince her it did. 

Which was why he found himself being honest with her in a way he hadn't been with anyone he could avoid it. He confirmed that the gossip columns of a few years back held barely half of the full story. His late teens and early twenties had been marked by drunken debauchery and illicit affairs just as much as by feats of genius. He even told her some of what had happened with his father. Just the bare bones. 

"That's a lot to take on my dear."

"True, but think of it like this. You could have a dashing, charming genius ready to help establish your institution as one who refuses to be cowed by the Imperium. A place that gives a chance to any with the intellect and talents to warrant it. That's not a bad start. Besides I am sure I don't need to tell you that all publicity is good publicity - so long as you have the skill to take advantage of it. Unless I have gravely misjudged matters, you certainly do."

Upon leaving he wasn't entirely sure which way Professor De Fer was leaning. She gave nothing away. What he was sure of was that he had given an award winning performance. If she denied him it was through no fault of his own. 

Now that he had done all that he could regarding the situation there was little to distract him. Just time to fill and therapy. His energy levels had continued low for the most part, aside from the nights he couldn't sleep at all. Pacing around his tiny apartment. Even going for a walk in the early hours, headphones in and music up high. Trying not to look over his shoulder ever other step. 

It was on one of these walks that he ran - literally ran - into The Iron Bull. 

"Woah there! You OK?"

"I... Yes. Thank you."

Bull's hand stayed against his arm, long past the point it was necessary to help him right himself. Did that mean anything? He couldn't help hoping it did. 

"What has you out here so late. Or well, early."

"Insomnia I'm afraid. You?"

"Working an early shift."

Dorian despised exchanging pleasantries past the opening stages of any conversation. Small talk was dull and unlikely to impress. Yet he couldn't for the life of him think of any acceptable topic to raise. What was the etiquette when you ran into your crush an hour before dawn? Thankfully Bull didn't seem to have any such issues, comfortably sharing an anecdote about his day job before enthusing about a new song he was writing with Krem. 

Why was Dorian so boring in comparison? The only things of any note going on in his life were therapy - which he was definitely not bringing up - and the situation with Skyhold Circle, which he had determined to keep secret until he knew whether he had been successful or not. So far only Cullen, Ella and Felix knew. Felix only because he had helped Dorian through every interview he had ever had. Mae hopefully didn't know - he loved her dearly but he absolutely did not trust her not to interfere. 

Somehow he found himself telling Bull anyway. Just so the man didn't think him a complete waste of space. 

"Good going! Vivienne is a good sort - don't let that perfect facade fool you."

"Do you know everyone in Ferelden?"

"Nah, met her back in Orlais. Surprised she would take a job in Ferelden but I guess if she can make a success of this Circle then she's a shoe in for any role she wants back home. A new circle is a seriously big deal."

"I suppose. Anyway, don't congratulate me just yet. She might find someone who's a better fit."

"That seems unlikely."

Even just the hint of a compliment set his cheeks to flushing like a teenager experiencing their first crush. How embarrassing. 

"I hope you don't mind me saying but it's nice to see you without a drink in your hand."

Dorian does mind, in fact. Why can't everyone lay off about his drinking? It's not like he doesn't know he overindulges more often than he should. 

"Right. Well."

"Aww. Now I've offended you."

"You haven't offended me! I just... I know what you all seem to think but I'm not an alcoholic."

"That's what an alcoholic would say Dorian."

"I know. Bitterly."

"Ah. Big drinker around growing up?"

"My mother. Look,I'm not denying that I abuse alcohol from time to time. I know it's not the healthiest and believe it or not I am doing something about it. I just... Maybe we drink more in Tevinter because honestly, I don't think the situation is anywhere as near as bad as everyone I know here seems to think it is."

"Hmm. Well, its not so much the drinking. I love a good drink. Its just... You always seem kinda angry or sad when I see you drinking. Like you don't do it for fun."

That Dorian really couldn't argue with. Not without lying. 

"Perhaps."

"So I guess what I meant was its nice to see you seeming in better spirits. Right. Gotta go. Come to our next gig? Its this weekend. At The Pearl."

"Sure. See you there."

His head was buzzing as he walked back. Was he in "better spirits?" After having an entire actual conversation with Bull without anything going drastically wrong he rather thought he was. 

His mood stayed on an upward trend for several days. Not that he was naive enough to assume this meant the depression which had plagued him for months was gone. Still the reprieve was nice and he determined to enjoy it. Night time was still problematic, for every time he managed several hours of sleep there was another night of restless tossing and turning or dreams he woke from with his throat hoarse from screaming. 

The days were significantly improving however. For the first time in ages he found he had the concentration to sit and read. He didn't want to jinx his prospects at Skyhold Circle but the interview had invigorated him somewhat. So he wasn't just reading he was reading with purpose. Revisiting old notes, hunting out books still stored in boxes under his bed. Generally organising and getting back in touch with his old research. 

Even if he wasn't given the chance to continue his studies officially the work was interesting. It excited him just as it had back in Tevinter and the few times he had tried to get into it in Orlais. Taking his work further without the structure and support of a Circle would be tricky. Tricky wasn't the same as impossible however and Dorian had never been someone to back down from a challenge. 

So when he wasn't killing time with Ella or teasing Cullen about Cassandra he spent his time hunched over books, scribbling his thoughts and ideas in a notepad and typing up the endless pages and scraps he hadn't gotten around to sorting before he had been forced to flee his homeland. At some point he really should send Mae something nice for helping to reclaim and keep safe his work when his father...

When his father had him kidnapped and hustled home. 

Which was something else he really should bring up in therapy, he supposed. The detail of what exactly his father had done. The way his mother had quietly looked the other way, losing herself in wine so she didn't have to acknowledge that her polite if cold marriage and quiet home life had disintegrated into something awful, something that poisoned everyone living within it. 

It wasn't simple though, sharing. He still hadn't figured out how to start on his own, relying on something happening within the group to trigger him or waiting for the pressure within to grow until something - often something unexpected - exploded out of him. Partly this was lack of practice. Dorian could talk at great length on a variety of subjects, including himself - so long as such talk didn't involve feelings or expose vulnerabilities. This he had learned at the expensive schools he had excelled in getting kicked out of, observing his mother's dinner parties, sneaking into his father's office to eavesdrop on matters political. 

Then there was the fact that some part of Dorian felt guilty. Krem had also had to flee Tevinter - only he had done so without the support of wealthy friends, minus the kind of education that most only dreamt of. There stories might have been comparable if it wasn't for the fact that Dorian had every advantage and Krem virtually none. Similar feelings stirred when he heard the others talk. Everyone in that room with him each week had suffered, just as he had. None of them had lived with the level of comfort and privilege he had grown up with though.

"It IS important to recognise privilege. It's undeniable that the wealth you grew up with has afforded you many advantages. Do you think that means your pain is less real than other peoples?"

"Not exactly. Just... Shouldn't I be able to manage it better? After all, my childhood was pretty much idyllic and all teenagers argue with their parents. The real trouble for me started later. So it shouldn't have effected me as much."

"Hmm. Tell us more about this idyllic childhood."

Leliana sounded more than a little sceptical and the last thing he wished to do in therapy was brag about how well off he had been.

"Oh. Well. I am going to sound terribly spoilt I'm afraid."

"That's OK. What was the best thing about growing up?"

"The holidays. Of course. Sometimes my father would bring his work into the library so I could sit with him and read. He never minded how often I interrupted him with questions or to share some new to me exciting fact."

Krem was starting at him in disbelief. No doubt the fact they had a library in their home growing up. 

"You studied in the holidays? And that was fun?"

"Ah. Yes? Not precisely fun. Though I do and always have enjoyed learning. It was more that I got to spend time with my father."

"Did you not get to see much of him otherwise? Or your mother? You don't mention her much."

"My father was often busy with work but he made time for me when he could. More than my mother did. She... She wasn't very happy I don't think, in hindsight. Mostly I think I made her very tired. She'd take me for days out sometimes."

"What kind of days out?"

"Boating on the lake. Visiting a museum or gallery."

"Those sound like happy things but you don't seem happy. Did you not enjoy these outings?"

"I... I did. I don't want to sound ungrateful. We went to some very fascinating places. Just... She used to take me and then leave me to wonder about entertaining myself whilst she retreated to the nearest bar or cafe. I think she did these things because Mothers were supposed to spend time with their children, not out of any real desire to be with me."

"What about other children?"

"An only child I'm afraid. You can probably tell. There were other children at school naturally but mostly older than me and resentful to have someone my age in their classes."

"You didn't attend school with children your own age?"

Dorian shrugged.

"I was sent away to school early. I'm really not joking when I say that I am rather brilliant. It was OK. I could more than hold my own and I'd been told my whole life I was the best. Young children aren't really the most tactful so I suspect I annoyed them by acting superior. That made it hard to make friends."

"So.Sent away young, to a place you had no friends or at home with one parent who worked most of the time and another you felt wasn't very interested in you. That sounds lonely."

"Maybe. It was just... Normal."

Dorian had never really thought about his childhood as lonely. Or lacking in anything. Certainly he had resented being sent away to school and away from his father. It was the first time they had disagreed and the shock of not getting his own way had quickly turned into anger, all directed at the kids who thought they were better than him merely by virtue of an extra year or two. He had been an excellent student academically. A disaster in all other ways. As a youngster he had been given some leeway but by the time he hit his teens even his father had begun to lose patience with him. 

They had always been so close and his father's approval had been everything to him. Finding themselves at odds so often had been painful. It was strange to think about now. Had they really started arguing at such a young age? Even before his sexuality had become an issue? Somehow he hadn't remembered that. 

"It is my experience that with the kind of deep rooted insecurities and anxieties you show often have their beginnings at a younger age than we might be aware of."

"I do not have deep rooted insecurities! Anxiety I grant you. But I have always been accused of rather too much self confidence than too little."

"And what is that excessive show of confidence hiding? A young boy hurting over being sent away, worrying that he is too much or not worth his parents attention. Would it not make sense for such a child to grow up and question whether he deserved later ill treatment, as you have done?"

Solas' words gave him much to think of. They always did. Dorian hated it. Oh, he could recognise the importance and how useful all of this was. Just once though he would like to attend group in a good mood - as he had done today - and leave in that same state. Instead he always seemed to be exhausted, either numb or his mood plummeting to new found depths when it came time to leave. Right now he wanted them to move on, focus on someone else so he might have a chance to regain his earlier composure. Solas clearly had other ideas. 

"You mentioned in a previous session that you felt you had given your father cause to be angry and disappointed in you. When did that start?"

"When I went away to school I suppose. I clung to the explanation that I was a prodigy, rubbed it in my classmates faces. All I really wanted was to go home and I soon learned if I behaved badly thats where I would be sent."

"In what ways did you behave badly?"

"Fighting. Mostly. I didn't start it. At first. I was just standing up for myself. But then I started winning. It was a confusing time honestly. I was proud of myself. I thought my father would be too. He wasn't. He was furious."

"Did that feel fair, to you? His anger?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do know."

"No. It didn't. OK? It wasn't my fault that bigger children mistakenly thought I would make an easy target. I couldn't understand why I was meant to be sorry that I proved them wrong."

"So what happened?"

"They sent me home to think about what I'd done. I was so excited to see my father again but he was too angry to spend time with me. I remember him saying that - that he'd end up doing or saying something he regretted if he had to see me right then. He was too disappointed."

To his shame Dorian heard his voice tremble, felt the heat of tears scalding his cheeks. He'd cried back then too. Six years old, angry and confused and just wanting his father to look at him like he was used to. Sure, now he understood that even a temporary expulsion wasn't a good start to his school career. He can understand his father's upset. As a child he lacked that understanding but surely, surely his father could have seen it from his point of view?

It seemed such a small and silly thing, yet that early mutual disappointment and anger still hurt.

"How did you feel Dorian?"

"I... I felt torn in two. I was so angry with him, with everything. I hadn't asked to be sent away. I wasn't used to mixing with lots of other children. None of it was what I wanted. But... I... I hated that I made him not want to see me. I didn't know I could make him so angry. I never wanted to do it again."

"But you did."

"I did. Repeatedly. It was better over the holidays. The Magisterium was less busy in the summer and I was home from school. We got to see each other more and the more time we spent together the calmer we both were. In term time... I suppose I really was spoiled. I was so used to having his attention when I couldn't get it any other way I acted out. So you see it wasn't just that I'm gay. He had other reasons for being upset with me."

"And where was your mother during all of this?"

"Attending galas or in her personal chambers, drinking either way."

"So, you wanted the parent you had always felt close to, even if that meant facing his anger. But you never went to your mother because you had never felt comforted by her. I suppose she drank to comfort herself? You said she was unhappy."

"Indeed. I learned something from her then."

"When did you start drinking?"

"thirteen of fourteen. Earlier, if you mean with dinner or the like. Tevinter children - at least amongst the Alti - are encouraged to drink watered wine with their evening meal from almost the moment they can hold the glass. I started trying to get drunk as soon as I hit my teens. Not all the time. I wasn't... I'm not a drunk. I know I drink too much too often but..."

"You can stop whenever you want to? I used to say that about Lyrium."

Dorian winced. 

"I... I'm sorry. I know addiction is hard to deal with. I'm not even saying I don't have a problem. Just... I'm not like my mother. She gave up and I won't. I wouldn't be here if I was anything like her."

"Because you had the capacity for recovery. We can't know if your mother does or not but you are right. You are here because you are willing to face things in a way a lot of other people aren't able or willing to do."

Leliana cut in then, drawing attention to the fact that their time was almost up.

"I think the use of substances or behaviours to avoid or soothe our feelings is something we could all do with exploring together. Perhaps next week? For now I think we should take a few minutes to reflect on where we are and think about any help we might need to manage after this session."

Dorian was relieved the session was over. Normally he would look forward to relaxing with Cullen afterwards but now he felt awkward. He wasn't sure if Cullen was upset with him or not. Perhaps he thought Dorian was being dismissive or judgmental of addiction. Or was refusing to face his own.

"I'm not. Whatever it is you're thinking."

"That obvious? So you don't think I'm in denial."

"Not exactly. If you weren't admitting you had a problem I might feel differently. I know you can go without a drink. You've cut right down lately. I just think you could do with looking at why you drink. That's all. You don't have to be dependent on something to need help figuring out how to stay healthy with it. That's all."

"I just... I think comparing my drinking with your Lyrium addiction is... Well its not the same is all. You've been through something, are fighting something much more difficult than I am."

"It's not a contest."

Cullen grinned, making clear his words weren't intended as a serious rebuke. 

"Come on. Ella wants us to go to this thing at The Pearl Saturday. Which means I need your help picking an outfit. Its a touch fancier than Varric's place."

"Fancy I can do. I am sure Cassandra will appreciate seeing you all dressed up."

"Yeah? I'm sure a certain lead singer might well enjoy seeing you in your finery too."

"Wh-what? No. That's... Nothing is going on with me and Bull!"

"You want there to be though. Don't you?"

"We are not having this conversation Cullen."

The friendly banter took the edge off the foul mood therapy had left him in. At least Cullen seemed to understand. Rather too much if he had truly picked up on Dorian's crush. Just like his very first week, Bull was waiting to pick Krem up when they went outside. Which panicked Dorian a bit. Presumably he knew why Krem was here - which meant he could guess very easily why Cullen and Dorian were here too. Cullen seems at ease though and aside from a friendly wave Bull doesn't try to speak with them. 

At least Dorian can make a dignified escape and he finds he really is looking to the weekend. Especially since Bull personally invited him - a fact he hasn't shared with anyone yet and isn't intending to. Probably the friendly qunari has invited a lot of people but despite knowing that the memory of their conversation still sends a shivery thrill of excitement through him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is pretty heavy going. It was tough to write but cathartic in a way so I hope its the same for anyone reading it who might be affected. Take care of yourselves. In particular it touches more on the conversion therapy stuff. And Halward's A+ parenting of course.

The weekend arrives and with it good news. For a few days after his interview with Professor De Fer Dorian had obsessively checked his emails even though he knew an immediate response was unlikely. Then he had taken to avoiding it, afraid to get his hopes up only to have them dashed. Saturday morning he was forced to check by Felix. His friend had video called him at some ridiculously early time because he was worried, Dorian not having replied to something.

The something in question was an invitation to a wedding - one he couldn't accept of course - that Felix had passed on for him since virtually no one in Tevinter knew how to get hold of him. The news that the one time love of his life was a) finally marrying and b) apparently wanted Dorian there would have been enough to send him into a depressive spiral if it wasn't for the other messages awaiting his attention. 

The job was his. He was due to start in two weeks. Ella would no doubt be thrilled. He was dimly aware that he should also be excited but right now he mostly felt relief. Then there was the other email. The one offering him the chance to present his research, a place to study dependant on his ability to win over a panel. Since that one was signed "Viv" he had a feeling it was little more than a formality and mostly arranged so that he could dazzle into submission anyone on her staff who doubted the good Professor's decision to allow him entry to Skyhold. 

He should probably call Ella. Or Cullen. He should definitely call Felix back now that he'd seen the invite from Rilienus. He could see the nerves in Felix's eyes when he did so. Waiting for Dorian to fall about or more likely pretend nothing was wrong. Dorian found he didn't quite know what to say so instead he sad there in silence.

"Dorian? Say something, please."

"I... I'm OK. I just... Felix I can't think about Ril right now. I got in. I mean I got the job and I am 90% sure I can pick up my studies again too."

The rest of their call was a series of overexcited exclamations on both sides until it tipped over into anxiety for Dorian. Felix talked him down from his anxiety attack and then they were both too exhausted to carry on the call. Dorian promised to call him again Sunday afternoon before collapsing back into bed for an hour, heart and mind both racing. 

He had a job. Between that and what was left of his rapidly shrinking savings he could afford to keep this tiny roof over his head and eat. Perhaps even treat himself to something non-essential. More, it seemed that once you had persuaded Professor De Fer you were worth the trouble she didn't hold back. He was good at presentations and with his renewed interest in his own work his papers and notes were all in good order. It would take him no time at all to throw something together but in thanks for this opportunity he would take his time. 

The flip side to that was the news about Rilienus. They had seen each other exactly once since his father had had him dragged from his lover's bed. They hadn't actually officially broken up but then of course they had never officially been together. Poor Ril must have been scared as hell after that early morning kidnapping. Then not hearing from Dorian for months... The last time Dorian had seen him had been across a crowded room and as soon as Rilienus had caught him looking the man had left, glowering and very much not alone. Dorian had honestly thought Ril hated him. Blamed him. 

He had heard when the engagement happened. It was rather overshadowed by the fact Dorian had only just arrived in Orlais, still reeling from the whole blood magic and fleeing home thing. That hadn't stopped him from going on a week long drinking binge. So much for love. Rilienus was no more into women than Dorian was but apparently he had chosen to play pretend in a way Dorian just couldn't. At first he had thought Ril was just biding his time. Now... 

It hurt. Had Rilienus been so scarred by that awful morning that he didn't dare put a step out of line now? Or was there some arrangement with the girl he was marrying that made it bearable? Perhaps he genuinely felt for her. For all Dorian knew she was the one woman who could turn his head. It wasn't the old pain of losing Rilienus. He had grieved for them already. During those months locked up in the family's estate. It was the fact that he didn't actually know what was going on with Rilienus. Or what he knew about what was going on with Dorian. They had been friends, once, as much as anything else. Now they were strangers. 

Except that Rilienus had invited him so what did that mean? Was it a cry for rescue or a true reaching out of an olive branch? Or even an attempt to rub salt in the wounds he must know Dorian still carries, scabbed over though they are. Rilienus had never been so petty but who knew how much he might have changed in the last few years. Perhaps he should have talked to Felix, now it was hard to distract himself.

Determined not to lose the day in angsting about his one and only disastrous relationship, Dorian forced himself to get up. The Chargers gig was tonight and he had promised Cullen he would help dress the man. Plus he now had something to celebrate. Ella was - as predicted - ecstatic when he rang her. Before he knew it he was caught up in the whirlwind that was a happy Ella, Cullen similarly pulled along in the wake. 

First there was shopping. Dorian was in despair over Cullen's wardrobe and his own certainly needed attention. Not that he could afford much and thankfully the clothes he did have were the kind of stylish that never really went out of fashion. Still one new shirt for tonight wouldn't hurt anything and he also allowed himself the luxury of a new eyeliner. 

Then there was lunch, Ella's treat. During which they alternated between toasting Dorian's success and stopping Cullen returning the tightly fitted dark coloured jeans and silky shirt combo they had spent all morning persuading him to buy. Finally it was time to get ready. Josie joined them and Dorian was actually surprised by how much fun he was having. 

They had opened a couple of bottles whilst getting ready. Not enough for anyone to be drunk but Dorian was feeling a little on the tipsy side. Or possibly that was the restless edge which hadn't quite left him all day. He wasn't Rilienus, paying for a life of luxury and comfort with a lie. He was here, just about getting by and about to start a whole new exciting chapter. He was going to have a good night with his friends and if he was lucky he might manage another actual conversation with Bull. 

There was no need for the occasional tears he found welling up in his eyes and threatening his flawless make-up. Or the nerves that had his palms sweating long before they arrived at The Pearl. Dorian hadn't planned on drinking much tonight. Despite his protestations around his drinking being an issue he had been trying to cut down. Mostly successfully. He definitely hadn't wanted The Iron Bull to see him in a drunken state ever again. There was no way he could keep his current buzz going without a boost though. 

Thoughts of Rilienus, his father, the way things had been were already flickering around the edges. If he let them get a hold of him there was no way he would enjoy the night. So he headed straight for the bar, dragging Ella with him to get drinks whilst the others found a table. 

The Pearl was a very different establishment to Varric's place. It had more rooms for one thing, an upstairs bar and a chill out area. The main room had a fair sized stage and a dance floor twice the size they managed at Varric's when he was set up for bands. Plus everything was shinier. Cleaner. Not that Varric's place was dirty but it was somewhat more run down. Lived in and comfortable if you listened to Varric. 

A lot of the same people he was used to seeing at Varric's were here too however and some familiar faces he hadn't necessarily been expecting. Merril was hanging off a tanned dark haired girl that he was pretty sure he had seen her with last time The Chargers played - perhaps the mysterious Bela whose leaving had prompted her last melt down. Even Cole was here, happily sat on his own in a corner just people watching. Cassandra joined them soon enough and Dorian was very glad Cullen had made an effort because she clearly had. Sera and Dagna stayed close to the bar when they weren't flailing around happily in the middle of the dance floor. 

It was busy and that was a good thing. Only somehow it wasn't. Normally Dorian liked crowded places and loud music. In Tevinter he had alternated between the quiet and solitude he preferred for studying and scenes much like this one when he was in the mood to party. Now... Now it felt like too much and he wasn't sure why. He only knew he needed to get out.

Which was how he found himself kneeling in one corner of the smoking area and gasping for breath. If he didn't know better he would say he was hiding, badly and wrecking the knees of his nicest pants in the process. What made everything worse was the concerned qunari crouched down a foot in front of him.

"You doing ok there now?"

"I..."

"Please don't apologise. Again. You really don't need to."

Dorian tried to smile thought he was certain it was more of a grimace. 

"Shouldn't you be on stage?"

"Our last set finished ten minutes ago big guy. Came out here to get some air and cool off."

"Oh. I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to miss you..."

"You didn't. You ran out near the end."

Right. Well. That was somehow even more embarrassing. Missing The Chargers play was bad enough, accidentally suggesting they weren't memorable was worse. 

"Come on. Lets get you up and we can get out of here. You look like you need some quiet time."

Dorian let Bull help him stand then followed him in a daze. He was pretty sure he caught Krem watching him at one point. Ella waving. He might even have spoken to someone but the world around him was fuzzy and odd and distant so he couldn't be too sure. Bull's hand, heavy on his shoulder as he gently pushed Dorian out of a back door was the only thing that felt real. Grounding. 

"I don't know whats wrong with me."

He doesn't know why he said it but its the truth and he's so tired of keeping it to himself. Bull smiles, soft and sad at the same time. Gentle hands guide him into the front passenger seat of the same van that the qunari sometimes picks Krem up in. 

"Want me to take you home? I promised Cullen I'd look after you."

"I... I don't know."

"We can just drive if you want? For a bit?"

Dorian can't answer that either. In the end Bull drives him home, walks him to the door and then hesitates. 

"I don't really want to leave you. Can I come in?"

Dorian nods. This is absolutely not how he wanted to get Bull alone. His tiny apartment is a mess of scribbled on scraps of paper, piles of books and dirty coffee cups. Somehow none of that really matters right now. All that matters is the careful way Bull touches him and the fact that he feels like he might fly apart of that goes away. 

"Can we... I'm not that drunk."

"That's not why I asked to come in."

"Oh. I... I want..."

"I don't think you know what you want Dorian. But I am pretty sure its not sex. Not right now at least."

True. What Dorian wanted was touch. However he could get it. Those strong arms holding him down. Just... Holding. Maybe he said some of that out loud. Maybe he's just obvious. Either way Bull sat down on the bed and then tugged on Dorian's hand, drawing him close enough to pull into his lap. Then those arms were around him, still gentle, not tight enough he felt trapped. Just solid and there. 

"Better?"

He nodded, burying his head in Bull's shoulder and trying to still the voice inside that assured him he would die of shame later. 

"Want to talk about it?"

"My ex is getting married."

"Oh. I'm sorry?"

"Its not... I... I couldn't do it but he is and I don't..."

"Breath Dorian. You aren't making much sense and that's OK but you do need to breath."

"We always said we'd never marry just to keep our families happy. Now he is and I... Is it my fault? I think its my fault."

The rest of the night passes in a blur of tears and more drunk than he thought he was confessions. Mostly though it passes with a warm hand rubbing his back and a powerful arm holding him close. It ends with him being tucked into bed, alone, too tired to ask Bull to stay with him. A fact he will be grateful for come morning. As with the time he thought Bull had kissed him on the cheek he isn't sure if he imagined the brush of lips to his forehead moments before his front door opens and shuts.

When he wakes theres a glass of water by his bed and a note. The note is just Bull's contact details - as if the qunari thinks maybe he lost them - and the words "get in touch. Any time. I mean it."

For once he doesn't need to be prompted to speak at the next therapy session. When they were doing the round of check ins about how they'd been during the week he couldn't hold back the words that fell from his lips.

"I think I'm in love and its awful."

His outburst is met with a variety of reactions. Cullen's gleeful "I knew it" contrasting with Krem's sharp suspicious look, Merril's and - surprisingly - Anders' soft wide eyes and Cole's glance of gentle concern. 

"I thought love was a good thing."

"Yes Cole. It usually is. Perhaps Dorian you could tell us what is so awful?"

"I... I don't know if I can. I don't even know how HE feels. I just... It makes me feel sick."

Leliana made an inquisitive noise, somehow sympathetic at the same time as prompting an explanation. 

"I... I was in love before. Once. I think I was. It ended badly. So I guess thats it. The old cliched hurt once, don't want to risk it again."

"Perhaps. Can you tell us about your first love?"

"He was called Rilienus and he was the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Not just physically. I'm not THAT shallow. We spent months sneaking around behind everyone's backs but that wasn't enough for me. So I pushed and I stopped being careful and... My father found out. I think that's why he... Anyway. It ended. I thought he hated me. I moved on. And now here we are."

"Hmm. How did you break up?"

"My father hired some men to kidnap me. They did. I don't know what Ril thought had happened because the last time I spoke to him he was half asleep and frightened. I didn't see him again for months and then it was just a glimpse. I let myself be dragged out to a party, just before I left the country. He was there and he left as soon as he saw me. But now he's getting married and he invited me so maybe he doesn't hate me."

"So. You find out your ex is getting married and then you realise you might have feelings for someone else. Do you think those two things could be connected?"

"I... No? I've had a... Well a crush I suppose on this man for a while. I just didn't realise it might be more than that until I was upset about Ril and he... He looked after me."

Krem huffs. What that means he doesn't know. Annoyance, amusement, simply acknowledgement that his hunch was right. There's a wariness in Krem's expression but no hostility that Dorian can see. The two of them have grown a touch closer throughout therapy but The Chargers are a close knit group and it likely doesn't take a genius to figure out who Dorian has feelings for. No matter how much Krem might have decided Dorian is an OK person that doesn't mean he wants his best friend getting tangled up with the mess that is Dorian's life. 

Solas steps in, thankfully cutting off a train of thought that was quickly becoming distressing. 

"I want to understand what is happening when you say you feel sick."

"I feel sick. That's what's happening."

"Do you think you would be up for doing some work to understand why?"

"I... I suppose?"

"Good then. I want you to think now about his man now. Focus on him and then try and tell us what you are feeling."

"I... Emotionally you mean?"

"If you can. But also physical sensations."

"My stomach is churning. My palms are sweating. My heart isn't racing exactly - not like when I have an anxiety attack."

"Good. Anything else?"

"I... Its hard to sit here. Still. I... I feel all squirmy."

"Squirmy? Like, embarrassed? Or like you want to get up and move about?"

"Both? I feel... humiliated. Exposed. I want to leave. I can't... I can't do this."

"Alright. That's alright. Talking about our feelings can leave us feeling very vulnerable. It's natural to want to hide. You said it wasn't like an anxiety attack but you seem very anxious right now."

"I... Yes. I think I am."

"Do we need to stop? Or do you think you can continue. I think you're doing some really good work here."

"I don't understand. Everyone has crushes. Why does this feel so... wrong?"

"Well. I can take a guess?"

"Please?"

"You've been told your whole life that what you feel, your attractions and desires are not acceptable. You've told us that your relationship ended when you were physically removed from your partner's presence. I'm not surprised that feeling drawn to someone doesn't feel safe for you. Or that admitting to it feels humiliating when in the past you have been treated badly for expressing how you felt. Were you ever made to feel embarrassed or humiliated for telling someone you liked them?"

"I... Yes. I mean who hasn't had that happen? You tell someone you like them and they laugh at you. I think that's normal enough."

"Perhaps. Did that happen once or more often?"

"Only ever once. I soon learned who was interested and who wasn't."

"What about when you were with the Order? Or your father? Did you ever feel humiliated then?"

More than the memories that rushed in then Dorian hated the flash of fear. It was so strong he thought he might throw up, one hand clapping over his mouth to stop it. Even in here he didn't think he could put into words what had happened within the walls of The Order of Argent. What passed as "therapy" in that place. It was enough to say that they used shame, humiliation and fear coupled with physical discomfort and pain to try and break down their "patients." That and drugs to make them docile, more susceptible to "treatment." He wasn't entirely sure he even remembered everything. Nor did he ever want to. The terror he was feeling now was more than enough.

"Yes. The Order... Yes."

It was all he could choke out, one hand still fisted against his lips. 

"Alright Dorian. Are you feeling sick now? You're very pale."

He nodded. 

"I'm... I'm scared."

"Yes. This is more than your usual anxiety isn't it? That sick feeling you get. I think this is what is underlying it. A really very intense fear. And shame."

"But I'm not ashamed of being gay!"

Dorian bursts into tears, sobbing in great gasps despite his best efforts to stop it. 

"No. Not consciously. I think you carry a great deal of shame though. About some of the things that have happened in your life. Understanding that something isn't your fault and really knowing that, feeling it in your guts can be very different things."

"I don't... I can't..."

"Do you blame yourself for how things ended with Rilienus?"

"Yes! OK? Yes. I do. If I hadn't refused to keep us a secret..."

"What about The Order of Argent? Why do you think you were sent there?"

"Because I was an idiot kid who didn't understand why he had to hide who he was?"

"Hmm. Anything else?"

He didn't want to think. To remember. It was too late though. It was all there in his head and the words - their words, not his - came spilling out of him faster than he could think to fight them. 

"Because I am a filthy dirty slut who needs to learn self respect."

His eyes widened in horror as he realised what he had said. Merril was crying he thought. He couldn't look at Krem, at Cullen. 

"I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I..."

"That's a horrible way to talk about someone isn't it? Especially someone so young as you were. Is that how they spoke to you?"

"They made me say it."

"And they tried to make you believe it."

"I... I guess they succeeded."

"They were wrong Dorian. You know that too. It's so hard to have these conflicting ideas about who you are clashing inside you. I think you needed to get this out. To say it. It's only then you can really see it and how wrong it is. You aren't and never have been dirty."

The rage and panic and the shame all rose within him, the kindly meant words not soothing him at all. Rather they made everything worse until he couldn't hear or make sense of anything beyond the wailing noises in his head. When he came round again he wasn't sitting on the chair anymore. He was curled up in the corner, on the floor, the room empty except for him and Solas. The only sound his own sobs and the words he was whispering over and over again.

"I am I am I am."

He couldn't even recall what the words meant, what he was claiming to be. He just knew he felt awful. His hair and moustache ruined by clumsy hands, his head pounding and his stomach roiling. He wasn't really sure how long it took Solas to calm him down, or where everyone else was. Leliana returned briefly to check on them and to offer to phone someone to come and get him - when they were convinced he was safe to leave. 

He all but threw the crumpled paper with Bull's number on it. Not really thinking by this point. There was no way he could get himself home alone though. He wasn't even sure he could stand. Bull might not even come and then he'd have to pull himself together somehow. At least enough to remember why someone else would have been a better option and who that might be. 

Bull did come. He didn't even seem annoyed. He barely seemed concerned. He just helped Dorian up, took him to the bathroom to splash some water on his face and then guided him out to the van just like he had Saturday night. 

"Look. Dorian. I know you probably hate where you are right now. This feels pretty bad right? Its OK though. It gets like this sometimes before it starts to get better. But it does get better."

"Does it?"

"Yeah. it does. It can. It did for me."

He was too tired to argue, struggling to keep his eyes open. His limbs felt so heavy and he was shivering not just with the after effects of the panic attack but with cold. He was cold. 

"Come on big guy. I've got you."

Warmth. Solid warmth around him. Against him. He was only half aware that the qunari was carrying him. This time when Bull tucked him up in bed he stayed, one hand gently stroking his hair whilst he leafed through one of Dorian's old text books. Dorian should do something. Say something. Instead he burrowed into the heat he could feel Bull throwing off even through the blankets and lost himself to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter but it was hard to right. Quite a lot of comfort and then I'm afraid quite a severe hurt. Grief plays a huge part in my own trauma recovery so Dorian gets to deal with it during his. Sorry!

Dorian woke slowly and gently for the first time in months, cocooned in warmth. Quietly putting the pieces together as he came round he realised three things: sunlight was spilling from the edges of his curtains, Bull was still here and Dorian's cheek was resting against his chest, sticky with drool. Ah. Embarrassing. Any second now he would move and apologise and probably die of shame. Any second. 

"Did you know you snore?"

Bull's voice was a soft rumble, warm with humour and something else. Affection? Reluctantly, Dorian lifted his head and shifted so he could sit up. What was the etiquette for when you had reached out to a near stranger in the midst of the worst panic attack you could recall then fallen asleep on him? His experience of waking up with someone was limited to Rilienus and even then they hadn't had much opportunity to practice before everything went wrong. 

"Lies. I am sorry though. For troubling you."

"Hey, you aren't trouble."

"I can assure you I am."

"Alright, but not the bad kind. Definitely the kind of trouble I wouldn't mind getting into."

Dorian finally lifts his eyes, daring to look at Bull. Far from being annoyed the qunari is smiling and did he just try to wink? With only one eye?

"Yes. Well. I...."

"For someone whose already tried to get in my pants more than once you get awfully flustered when I try to flirt with you."

"Possibly because you keep turning me down. Anyway. I should thank you."

"No need. I'm glad you had them call me Dorian. You needed someone last night."

"Right."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Absolutely not."

"Cool. So, breakfast?"

There really isn't anything in so Bull makes coffee whilst Dorian tries to put himself together. A quick shower, a moment of gratitude that he looks good in everything he owns so picking an outfit doesn't take long. He leaves off the make-up for now. Then they head out in hunt of pastries which seem to be a favourite with Bull. 

Its nice but strange. He can't help but feel on edge, waiting for the inevitable conversation about last night yet somehow it still doesn't come. Bull seems to be taking his desire not to talk at face value and just leaving it alone. Dorian has no idea what to do with that. What Bull does do is continue his flirting, offering compliments with one breath and gentle teasing with the next. Poking fun but with rather than only at Dorian. The whole thing is ridiculous and pleasant in equal measure. It's also entirely unlike anything he's ever experienced before and somewhere beneath his nerves he is buzzing with the fact that Bull has confirmed his interest.

What he doesn't know is how things progress from here or even if he wants them to. What does he want from Bull? The qunari is huge and strong, more than capable of holding him down, pinning him, keeping him still and doing whatever he wants to Dorian. There is certainly an appeal in the images that come with such thoughts. Yet his mind keeps drifting to how well he slept, held in Bull's arms. How safe he had felt. 

It shouldn't be a surprise. He'd already figured out that his own attraction wasn't just sexual in nature. What about Bull though? He had admitted to being interested and it seemed like he had put a lot of effort in for someone who just wanted an easy lay. Yet he was also a friendly, caring person in general and one who seemed to have a strong moral code. The fact he hadn't taken advantage of Dorian the countless times he could have done probably didn't mean anything more than that. The realisation that someone NOT taking advantage of him seemed noteworthy made Dorian wince. 

For someone who had always considered himself to have healthy self esteem and masses of self confidence it was sobering and distinctly uncomfortable to start seeing that there was some pretty compelling evidence to the contrary. Until Rilienus he had always had a somewhat "I'll take what I can get" attitude to his assignations and since escaping Tevinter he knew his behaviour had been more than a little self destructive. Still he genuinely hadn't stopped to think about it the way therapy was encouraging him to. Mere weeks ago he would have scoffed at the very suggestion he was someone anyone could take advantage of. 

He didn't notice that he'd fallen silent, losing himself in unpleasant considerations until Bull gently drew his attention with a concerned query. Shifting uncomfortably Dorian smiled brightly, trying to ignore the flicker of disappointment in his companion's eyes at the obviously fake grin. Of course Bull could see right through him. The man was entirely too perceptive. 

"You OK there big guy?"

"Fine. Absolutely fine. This has been nice but I guess you have work or something so I should..."

"Day off."

"Right. Well. I'm sure you have better things to be doing with your day than looking after me."

"Not really. Look, Dorian. If you want me to leave you to it I will. You're a grown up, you can take care of yourself. I'm free all day though and I happen to think you're pretty good company so if you want to hang out I'm game."

Dorian swallowed, really not sure how to respond. Spending time with Bull was risky, every minute in his company made Dorian want more. More time. More cuddles. Just more. 

"Can I ask... Bull what's going on here? I mean are you just looking out for a... a friend? Or..."

"Definitely the friend thing."

"Oh."

"That a bad thing?"

"No! No. Just. Well the flirting... I thought..."

"Something you want Dorian?"

Dorian could feel his face flushing. Why was Bull being like this? If he wasn't interested then why the flirting? If he was then why did he seem to resist every time Dorian so much as hinted at anything else that could be between them. Perhaps Bull was finding him just as frustrating because his sigh sounded a touch exasperated. 

"OK. Cards on the table. I like you. I would like to get to know you better. I really do think we could be friends OK? I also happen to think you are insanely hot and I am not saying no to exploring that if you want to. Just... You don't seem like you know what you want right now. So. Friends. Until you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me what you want because until you can do that I'm left guessing. I'm pretty smart Dorian, I reckon I am pretty good at reading people but this? This isn't something I want to get wrong."

"Friends have sex."

"Sure. They do. That what you looking for here?"

It would be so easy to say yes. To let Bull take him home and take him apart. He might even be able to face him afterwards. Still, he couldn't lift his gaze from where his hands twisted in his lap. It didn't matter how many late night fantasies he'd had about Bull, in the bright morning light he couldn't ask for that. He wasn't really sure he wanted to. So he shook his head, still staring intently down. 

"No. I... I don't know."

"Right. So you figure that out and in the mean time, friends work for you?"

"I... Yes. I'd like that."

Somehow they ended up back at Bull's place. Which turned out to be a small town house he shared with Krem and Dalish, another member of The Chargers. Krem did a double take when he walked into the living room to find Dorian on his sofa, watching a movie. There was a small not unfriendly smile on his face when he shook his head and carefully backed out of the room though. 

After that movie nights with Bull become a semi-regular occurrence. It happens often enough that first Cullen and Ella, then Sera and once even Cassandra start to tease him about it. Much as the teasing leaves him flustered and uncertain its not bad. Quite the opposite. If Mae were here she would be five times as bad, even at a distance she's positively gleeful when she realises that he has a crush. It's nice in a strange way. These people all like him enough, feel comfortable enough with him to poke fun at him. 

It comes up in therapy once, Cullen nervously checking in.

"I can stop if you like. Ask the others to back off."

"No. No, I don't mind. Its... I'm starting to realise that I've missed out on some things. I think this is one of them."

"Teasing?"

"Well I'm an only child and at school I didn't exactly fit in. Any teasing was unkind whichever side it was on. I... I didn't exactly pull any punches myself. And Felix is and always has been too serious. So there's just been Mae and now suddenly all of you."

"It sounds like you are finding out that you might fit in somewhere. That you can be accepted."

Dorian nods thoughtfully. Leliana is right. That's exactly what it is. He doesn't need to be defensive around Cullen or Ella or Sera because they aren't really trying to get to him, to hurt him. No one is seeking weaknesses to exploit or hunting out sore points to press against. Its all just friendly jest. Camaraderie. 

As for Bull himself, that's still an ongoing head fuck as far as Dorian is concerned. Not because of anything Bull is doing but because of his own uncertainty. He knows he isn't ready for a relationship and anyway, Bull had said they could explore the attraction. That didn't necessarily mean a relationship. A thought which sometimes kept him up at night, wondering why he felt so disappointed at the idea. There time together was full of laughter for the most part and when for whatever reason Dorian wasn't in a good humour Bull was quick to provide a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. The whole friends thing was definitely working. If only Dorian could convince his libido to calm down. 

The truth was he wanted Bull, desperately and if he was reading things correctly the qunari wanted him too. He had quickly realised that Bull was unlikely to judge him for the number of one night stands he'd had and certainly not for the fact that he was exclusively attracted to men. Yet still he couldn't bring himself to ask for what he wanted. Not without that sick, fearful feeling rising up each time he considered it. 

Shame. 

It left a bitter, acidic burning in his chest, unsettled his stomach and still moved him to drink more often that he wanted to admit. All these years of fighting, of pride and determination not to hide. Yet here he was, drowning in a shame so deeply routed and seeded so young he hadn't even known it was there. Hidden behind his anger and arrogance. Somehow every instance of wrong doing on his behalf had mingled in with his Father's attitude, his time at the Order of Argent and every incident where another had tried to make him feel bad for being queer. Now he had no clue where to begin unravelling everything, finding the tangles and teasing them apart. 

Therapy was helping, much as he was chagrined to admit it. It just wasn't helping fast enough. One way or another he wanted to progress things with Bull and he couldn't. Not when he kept tripping over the twinned love and resentment he felt towards his parents. Not when he spent early mornings weeping in despair because a heated dream had left him feeling disgusting once he woke from it. 

At least he had Skyhold Circle to distract him. Ahead of the very first term staring there was a lot to organise. He shared an office with Ella, by which he meant there was a second desk squeezed into a corner. That was fine though as he spent most of his time in the library, scoping out what might be relevant to his own studies as well as Ella's work. 

The ceiling high shelves laden with books felt more like home than any place had since he left Tevinter. Professor de Fer had already gathered quite a collection on top of the standard editions a varied curriculum necessitated. Dorian was quietly impressed but not enough to still his tongue when he found what he considered deplorable gaps. The Professor's eyes gleamed in faux outrage and something slightly predatory when he complained to her and then in satisfaction when he mentioned already having written to friends "back home" who could obtain them missing volumes and works. The day the first box arrived she smiled and told him to call her Vivienne. 

It was a promising start and despite the ongoing battles inside him, Dorian felt pretty good. Hopeful. He should have known it couldn't last. 

Mae looked pale, shaky in a way Dorian had only ever seen in the immediate aftermath of losing her husband. Then she had been furious in her grief, her deep sorrow tainted with rage. Now the tremble in her lip stilled Dorian's tongue, whatever witty greeting had been on the tip of it lost. Something was wrong.

"Mae? Has something happened?"

"Dorian. I... Are you alone?"

He wasn't. Cullen was sitting across from him, headphones in to give Dorian privacy whilst he set up a game of chess.

"No. Should I be? I can get rid of my company."

Mae was a Magister, a politician. It was just possible that whatever happened was of a sensitive nature though Dorian couldn't think why she would come to him if that were the case.

"No. Don't. You shouldn't be alone."

Dread spread through him, cold tightening his muscles until he was held tense and still but for his faintly trembling hands. Across from him Cullen looked up, frowning in questioning concern. He couldn't take it in when Mae told him. Not the first time or the second. It wasn't possible. 

He was leaning over the sink, hands gripping the edges tightly gasping for breath. Cullen's hand resting on his shoulder, his voice offering to phone someone. Mae in the background crying, a repeated litany. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

It still couldn't be true. Not Felix. Felix who he had spoken to less than two days ago. Who had told him he was on the mend, despite the sharpness to his cheekbones and the thinness of his skin. Felix couldn't be gone. 

He wasn't even sure when Bull arrived, nor why. Cullen must have contacted him. Mae was gone now and Dorian was still stood at the sink, unable to let it go. Sure he wouldn't stay standing without it. Strong arms caught him up, powerful hands missing fingers carefully pried his own free of the sink and then he was collapsing, a dead weight in qunari arms. 

Somehow he found himself in Bull's lap, clinging to him desperately. They were on his bed and that seemed a better thing to focus on than any ridiculous ideas he might have about Felix dying. There was no shame now, nothing but a sudden over powering need that had him leaning into the soft but muscular body. Hands stroking everywhere they could reach, face angling towards Bull's, lips touching. Bull pulled back and that was when the tears came. 

"Don't go, please don't go."

"I'm right here Dorian. Right here."

It was hard to concentrate on Bull's voice, that alone not enough to ground him. The world was a spinning chaotic mess he couldn't get hold of. There was only a freezing emptiness within him and the warmth of a body against his own. 

"I can't, I... I feel like I'm flying apart Bull. Please. Please."

He wasn't even sure what he was asking for but he was looking right at Bull as he pleaded, eyes burning into his one. There was a moment of hesitation and then Bull nodded. 

"OK Dorian. I've got you."

Those lips crashed into his, heated and hard and everything he needed right now. Once again Bull resisted his attempts to push things further but he pressed Dorian into the bed, his weight holding him there and kissed him deep. He held Dorian through the tremors, kept him still when he tried to writhe. Just held him and kissed him until at last Dorian felt able to breath again. 

"I'm sorry."

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Still Dorian clung to him but there was nothing frantic about it now, just one hand curled tight into Bull's shirt and the other at the back of his neck. 

"I... He can't be gone.He can't."

"I know. I'm sorry. I know."

"We always knew this could happen. I thought I was prepared but I... I can't."

"I know. It's OK. You just tell me what you need."

"Stay?"

"I was planning on it."

Dorian wasn't sure there was anything he could ever give Bull that would make up for the number of times he cuddled Dorian to sleep whilst the mage wept into his shoulder. Maybe that didn't matter. Bull would likely be the first to say it didn't. All that mattered right now was that he wasn't alone because alone he knew he would do something stupid. Crawl into a bottle or three. Crawl into a strangers bed and beg them to hurt him. Walk into a bar and pick a fight. Set fire to something important. Or just sit in the dark and let it swallow him, lose himself until no one could ever find him again. 

Felix had been his closest friend for years, the closest thing to stability since his first big falling out with his father. The one person who was always there and who loved him despite his nonsense. Who never judged him or wanted anything from him. Now he was gone and Dorian didn't have the first idea how he would go on. 

This time the morning didn't bring comfort or peace, just the first day of many without Felix in them. Still he made himself get up, let Bull feed him, answered when Cullen rang. He called Mae back, neither of them shed a tear but some of the pressure behind his eyes eased. Mae had cared for Felix too, his grief was also hers. He even messaged Gereon, breaking the silence that had fallen between them when Dorian had fled Tevinter. They hadn't spoken properly since Felix had fallen ill and his father, who was meant to be Dorian's supervisor had all but abandoned their research leaving Dorian to fend for himself. Dorian hated himself for that now but Gereon smiled through his tears when they spoke that afternoon. Bridges not quite mended but somehow the fallen stones didn't mean so much right now. 

Life continued without Felix, but it was harder. Emptier. The hurt so fresh and new he couldn't avoid it. Missing the funeral because it wasn't safe for him to go home. Finding something Felix would have found funny and realising he couldn't share it with him. Waking from a nightmare and going to call because Felix was usually up at odd hours then remembering. It took everything he had not to give in to the sucking void that sat beneath his chest. That isn't what Felix would have wanted though. He had always been more at peace with the idea of his demise than anyone else was and he'd once made Dorian promise to keep going if - when - it happened. So Dorian did his best. He kept on. 

Cullen helped him comb through every inch of his tiny studio apartment, hunting out every hint of alcohol and standing with him as he poured it down the sink. Ella and Josie sent round so much food he could have fed an army. Solas watched him carefully in therapy sessions, his frown masking either annoyance or concern as weeks passed during which Dorian remained tight lipped, not sharing. And Bull. Bull held him down and kissed him when all he wanted was to drink, to fuck, to forget in any way he could. Bull cradled him to his chest and kept him safe when they both knew he couldn't do that for himself.


End file.
